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Euro Mullions

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Thoughts on what I could do if I won the £85million Euro Lottery tonight:

  1. Find someone I don’t like (such as the lead-eating muppets in my local Co-op store), buy their dream home and then invite them to dinner there while I give it away to an animal charity.
  2. Have my testicles gold-plated so that they clank when I walk.
  3. Found a walrus, Moose and Otter rescue centre. (And I hadn’t even lost one!)
  4. Hire a small mercenary unit to hunt down our local landowners who shoot anything that moves, regardless of it’s state of legal protection, and hunt that family to extinction. Long live the buzzards!
  5. Have a life-size replica of Trajan’s Market in Rome made out of Marzipan and eat it in Record-breaking time.
  6. Bribe the western hemisphere to abandon computers and return to abacus/slate and chalk/machines made out of wood, string and elastic bands. If the west (where Microsoft and the Mac come from) did this, I have no doubt that evil empires the world over would collapse. 
  7. Bribe George Lucas to remove the silly Frankenstein scene from the end of Revenge of the Sith.
  8. Buy up every copy worldwide of Highlander II (including the original cut in its tin can) and then use them to fuel a weenie roast.
  9. Build a replica pirate ship for Poolagirl. She needs it.
  10. Buy myself a space ship so that I can go and investigate: a) why the moon is still up and clearly visible at noon. It’s supposed to be in bed then b) if this universe can really be so badly planned that we’re the most intelligent thing in it c) if Marvin the Martian really exists
  11. Have the leisure time and resources to carry out my grand plan to build a 78ft long scale model of Hadrian’s Wall out of cheese. This is already so well planned that I’ve worked out how many tons of Emmental, Parmesan, Red Leicester and Caerphilly I will need, but I still need to work out the tonnage of Stilton needed to build Walltown Crags, how much Primula spread to make the mortar, and how many tins of spray varnish I’ll need to preserve the completed sections. Yes, I know I’ve thought way too much about this. Hey Poolie? Fancy a Pirate Ship made of Cheese?
  12. Have my Right-ectomy. Since working out that I now have more body parts on my right hand side that don’t work than I have working ones, I’ve decided to have a Right-ectomy. I’ll replace the arm with one of those extendable grabbers and have a wheel fitted below the buttock. Then I’ll look like a bad guy from Doctor Who!
  13. Oh yeah: Pay David Tennant to stay in Doctor Who.
  14. Build a giant poo-flinging machine and after extensive testing, seek out Paris Hilton and fling until I can fling no more.
  15. Pay Pink Floyd to do one more gig together so I can actually see them.
  16. Detonate Middlesborough. It really would be a kindness.
  17. Approach the company that makes that shiny, awful toilet roll that public conveniences use and pay them to shut the factory down.
  18. Buy a pet prawn. And why not.
  19. Build a beautiful luxury retirement home full of real fires, radiators, beds and sofas for old rescue dogs that can’t be rehomed to live out their lives in. Well I have to be serious some times. And what better thing can you do?
  20. Give Mrs M at least half of it so she’ll release the pressure on the army pushed up behind my back and I can type two-handed again
  21. Pay for Paris Hilton’s swimming pool to be filled with clear resin instead of water. Oh boy I want to watch that swallow dive!
  22. Have extensive psychological examination and try through hypnosis to stop wishing embarrassing accidents on Paris Hilton.
  23. Not have to work so that I have time to write 85 of these instead of 23

Ah well… See y’all funny folks!



Written by SJAT

January 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

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