S.J.A.Turney's Books & More

Reviews, news and inside the world of books.

Finale

leave a comment »

Well hoo-bloody-ray! We’ve finally finished sorting out the house, with only a few last hiccups.

Putting sealant around the edge of the kitchen flooring was an interesting moment. I opened the tube of sealant, in the gun, and added the nozzle. I then bent low and squeezed the trigger, running a neat and fine line of white gunge around the edge. It was all perfect… until I sat back to admire my handiwork and realised that, although I was no longer applying pressure to the trigger, white sealant was still squeezing out of the nozzle at a rate of knots. Being the calm, level headed and organised person I am, I at once gripped the situation by the testicles and went into a blind, uncontrolled panic. Less than a minute later my nice fine line of sealant was augmented by heaps and streams of the stuff across the kitchen floor. Add to that the fact that my hands were now covered in it and were sticking to each other, the gun and anything else I touched and the panic turned to mad pandemonium. I danced around the kitchen like a whirling dervish, spilling more sealant everywhere I went, pulled the kitchen rubbish next to a surface and put the gun down on the surface where the mysteriously continual sealant could pour harmlessly into a bin bag, while using words that rhyme with duck and fit. When Mrs Moosehunter came downstairs to find the source of the mad cries and crashes, she found me struggling to remove the sealant from my hands. Every time I rubbed the stuff it transferred to a different bit of hand and I stuck to myself even more. It took almost twenty minutes of scrubbing to clean it off enough to actually not stick to anything I touched. I have hereby decided that hencefore Sealant and I are deadly enemies and our paths should never cross again.

Then there’s the arachnophobia thing cropping up again. I know we’ve moved into a village and can therefore expect more of Satan’s little helpers, but it’s a newly-decorated and furnished nice, clean house. In less than a week it’s become infested. Last night I found FOUR! They were all small ones, I’ll admit, so I merely had to leap out of the way and stand on a chair or something, not run screaming like a schoolgirl and hide in a cupboard. But still… FOUR! And while putting together the spare bed (which has been stored in my parents’ garage for around a year in sections) I pushed one of the bolts into the hole to attach the side and the bolt pushed out a collection of web, dead spider and other miscellaneous stuff that would be more at home in Hellraiser than a spare bedroom. Once my heart started to beat again, I had Mrs M go through every piece of wood involved with a bolt and a rag cleaning them all out. The bed then went together with the minimum of fuss. Only one cross-threaded bolt, one wound and a little swearing.

At this point I should mention that we had the entire house to vacuum, but I left that in her capable hands as I can’t deal with the vacuum cleaner we have. It’s a powerful, expensive vax machine. This means that it’s bright orange, weighs the same as a Ford Escort, moves with the reliability of a supermarket trolley, sounds like an Inter City express train in a tunnel and feels like you’re pushing a pallet of breeze blocks across a cattle grid. In short I don’t like it. I know it’s a good one, because She Who Must Be Obeyed tells me so, but I still don’t like it.

Incidentally, not having a working cd player on the stereo system in the living room, I’ve always just used the DVD player to play them through. The TV speakers are quite loud, anyway. Last night I finally got round to hooking up the stereo to the DVD. I put on a good album by Soil and listened to the tracks coming through the TV speakers. ‘Dah da da da – da da’. I turned the stereo system to Auxiliary input and gradually turned the volume up. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I hadn’t realised how tinny and awful the TV sound was until the bass on the stereo came up. From ‘Dah da da’ to ‘WHOOMPH WHOOMPH WHOOMPH!’ Oh my good Lord I want to play In Flames LOUD through it now while Mrs M’s out on saturday and can’t tell me off for it. Hee hee hee

Tonight we see Uncle Fester and Aunt Morticia for the first time in the house they helped decorate. Should be a good night. Then tomorrow, half the village are coming round for a House-warming party. That should be interesting. Mucho boozo will be had by all-o!

May even update again later as things are complete and I’m in a good mood but, for now: Adios Muchachos!

El Moosio!

Written by SJAT

January 7, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: