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Friday feeling

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Good day children. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Todays episode will be written in several parts due to the peculiar nature of today. It is, of course Friday. Friday is a day of hope to all those who do a five day week, and inevitably the atmosphere is better than the preceding four days and continues to improve with every tick of the clock towards… weekend. Not only that, but this particular friday is also payday, which means that us poor bedraggled human beings that flounder around in the red section of the bank wondering where the surface is and how to get our heads above it suddenly bob to the open air for a moment and take a breath before we sink once more into November. Boy am I waxing lyrical today…

Moreover, today may or may not be the day we find out whether we are moving into a house in the village. We’re down for the house and the estate are only awaiting references. One personal, one work and one bank one. Hmmm. Seem to have used the word ‘one’ too many times in one sentence. Anyhoo… The personal one from an established and respected friend in the village should be fine and in. My boss has apparently given them a glowing reference this morning, glowing golden in the sun that now shines out of my ass! All that’s left is the bank reference. Hmmm. Hopefully they’re feeling the buoyant Friday goodness too and are telling the estate that I’m a good bet, worth investing in and can make flowers grow just by walking past them. I’m not entirely convinced but, while I hover regularly around the ‘help… I’ve no money’ mark, I’m not constantly writing cheques that bounce or using the debit card with no cash to back it up or anything like that. So, I reckon they’ll be positive about me.

And that means… New House! In the village with the families. How cool is that? You see, I may be 34 and involved in the mind-mangling, soul-destroying world of computers, but deep down at heart I’m a country boy who gets nervous in very urban places, doesn’t like rushing crowds or concrete. I like trees and a village green and a small population who know one another in a way just short of ‘duelling banjoes’ territory. Inbreeding? I’ll give that one a miss I think. Still, a house twice the size of our current one in a lovely setting. Wow. Then comes the scary bit. I don’t like moving. I’m always enamoured with the idea of upheaval and relocation and particularly in this case where we go somewhere we really want to be, but then as the event crawls slowly toward me like a pigmy with a bad leg (hmm.. where did that analogy come from?) I start to get nervous. We may find out about the house today, or it may be tuesday. Either way, if we DO get it, we’ll have it from December 1st. That means we’ll have to hand our notice at the current place on Tuesday next. It’s all getting a little tightly-organised. We may find out on tuesday lunchtime and have to hand in notice the same afternoon.

Then there’s the actual packing and moving. Not only have we got enough junk to fully fit out a family of seventeen, but we’ll have to pack up stuff from under beds and move furniture. And that means Spiders! And you all know how I feel about these particular creatures. Then there’s the fact that we’ll lose our current house on November 30th and get the next on December 1st. That might make moving a little complex, particularly as they’re both weekdays and I have no holiday left at work. I foresee a disgusting rainy night with us moving what amounts to a total of fifty-five years’ worth of hoarding (between the two of us). Hopefully the estate will let us move our things in the weekend before. I am currently itching for that phone call.

In other news I’ve now completely finished my second novel and am very proud of it. It’s considerably better than my previous outing and will be sent to a list of agents as long as Gary Glitter’s rap-sheet this weekend. Who knows, perhaps I’ll be a published author in the New Year. That would be my most amazing feat ever achieved. Better even than my collection of screws. Better than my home-made toilet cistern when I was at university with the condom ball-cock. Better even than the clay buttocks I made in art class at secondary school. I feel I may be starting to ramble here. Anyway, the point is: if you’re a publisher or agent or you know a publisher or agent… come buy. Buy cheap my red-hot work of excellence. I’ll wine you and dine you and do my impression of a stoned otter for you if you’ll take on my novel!

So. Treading vaguely back in the direction of reality for a moment…

I’m not talking about work today. I was barraged this morning by constant problems (all of which I overcame – some with the-IT-man’s aid) and have entered the early lunchtime lull and the peace that comes with it. It’s friday; I’m in a good mood. Therefore, no bitching! So, onto our next topic for today: Advertising. Advertising annoys me intensely. It’s been one of my pet hates for a long time now. I happen to have a prime example on my desk. The Microsoft Office 2003 Bible. It’s a good book and often helpful, but does it really deserve the slogan written at the top of the spine in red ‘100% COMPREHENSIVE’? 100% comprehensive? My arse! If it were, I’d be able to open it to the index and solve absolutely any microsoft office problem I came across. Being in the IT trade, as I imagine a number of you are, I find that laughable, as I imagine you do. 100% comprehensive!!! This is the tip of the iceberg though. Television advertising takes it a hundred steps worse. There’s been a trend in the last 5 years I reckon toward ‘making up things that sound scientific’ or MUTTSS, as I shall hencefore refer to it. Buy some new shampoo from this company! This brand is full of limey goodness and packed with pro-rabbitol 14d and a healthy dose of dogroblavin. If you want your product to sell in today’s market you have to come up with a catchy new element on the periodic table, or new compound or new culture or healthy bacteria. Come buy this new health yoghourt. Yes, we know it looks the same as all the others and is made exactly the same way, but this is 10% dearer than all other yoghourts because this one contains Ribo-jogla-hoovy-pericultures and Flabagan 37A, which is good for the ‘Nice’ bacteria in your stomach. I just want to be told the truth, without jargon and MUTTSS! ‘Buy this shampoo – it cleans your hair and smells of lemon’ is an advertising slogan that would encourage me to think about it. ‘Buy this yoghourt – it’s thick and has bits of blackcurrant in it.’ Another winner. Hmmm. Starting to rant again. But remember that… when you next see the adverts come on TV. Watch and count how many adverts (commercials to you Americans) have made-up chemicals in them and think ‘MUTTSS’. It’s an acronym for the 21st Century.

MUTTSS – let’s get the word out there… Oh, and because it’s a word that I love but seldom have used since the days I shared an office with the Hobbit… ASSHAT! That word needs to go in the Oxford English Dictionary if ever a word deserved it. I also used the word ‘dang’ to a colleague just now and must consequently go and smash my head against a wall until all I can see is white light and all I can hear is the ringing in my ears. To use the word ‘dang’ in conversation, you really need to have a name like Blayne, Bubba or Billy-Bob. It’s a short step from there to marrying a close cousin and eating road-kill sandwiches while sitting on the porch and watching frogs humping!

All for now. Update if I hear about the house


P.S. McBoring the Grey one seems to be becoming more human and involved on a daily basis these days. He just walked past chuckling and when quizzed, pointed out that he’d been enquiring with the college building next door about parking arrangements and us parking in their carpark. Apparently they’d told him that they ‘don’t like it round the front, but don’t mind it at the rear!’ This was the cause of some hilarity and shows a human and almost funny side to him that in early entries we hadn’t been aware of. Now if only the other Asshats (see earlier note on my use of this word) who work for Soulless Corporation TM could be proved to have human DNA the world would be a brighter place.


Written by SJAT

January 5, 2010 at 4:12 pm

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