S.J.A.Turney's Books & More

Reviews, news and inside the world of books.

Itemised update

leave a comment »

Ok. This is likely to be a long one today.

*** ITEM ONE ***

I have to start with a line that Moleman issued a few minutes ago. He’s dealing with some sort of insurance claim and talking to someone on the phone and said ‘it seems that he’s lost his nose.’

I almost spat coffee over my keyboard. The only reason I didn’t say anything was because I couldn’t decide between:

  1. How careless. Has he looked behind cushions on the sofa?
  2. How does he smell?

Oh dear lord….

*****

Anyway.

*** ITEM TWO ***

I see a lot of spam in my days. I get spam in 3 home email accounts and 2 work accounts, and some spam is irritating; some is plain unpleasant; some just strikes me as ridiculous. For instance the following message received the other day at work. The bits in brackets are my comments which may be useful to you if you are a cad and a bounder and a spam merchant in search of a quick buck.

—–Original Message—–

From: Sir John Gieve [mailto:johnieve@yahoo.co.uk]

(1. Sir John Gieve, working for the Bank of England, is unlikely to be using a yahoo email address. In addition, the email address is actually john Ieve if you look carefully, not Gieve. First problem, first line. Makes the rest somewhat unconvincing.)

Sent: 05 September 2007 09:38

To: undisclosed-recipients

(2. Sent to more than one recipient? Undisclosed? Particularly since this came to my work email and no official institutions have ever been given that. For realism at least make it personal.)

Subject: IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT

BANK OF ENGLAND.

FROM THE DESK OF JOHN GIEVE

THREADNEEDLE STREET

LONDON EC2R 8AH

(3. Ok that’s fairly realistic, but why no title here? If he’s SIR John Gieve, why would he not have that on his official headers?)

IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.CONTRACT:MAV/UK/MIN/009 We apologies,

(4. We apologies? I know we’ve got a lot of immigrant workers over here now who don’t yet have the full command of the language – in no way am I against immigrants by the way – it seems unlikely that a secretary for a peer of the realm working for the National Bank would fail in such a basic area of English.)

for the delay of your payment and all the inconveniences

(5. What inconveniences? As is painfully obvious, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of you. Good grief Mr. Quick-buck, at least TRY.)

and inflict that we might have indulge you through.

(6. Now that’s just plain ridiculous. Misuse of verbs, no object to the sentence. Just doesn’t make sense in any way!)

However, we were having some minor problems with our payment system, which is inexplicable, and have held us stranded and indolent, not having the aspiration to devote our 100% assiduity in accrediting foreign contract

(7. Ahahahahahaha. Someone’s been chewing on the dictionary again. Inexplicable, indolent, aspiration, assiduity, accrediting. Oh Lord, that’s funny! It sounds like a line from Shakespeare that’s been translated into Korean on Babelfish by a Spaniard and then translated back into English by a Hungarian. Priceless.)

Payments. We  apologies once again.

(8. Once again, they apologies! Oh my aching sides.)

From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the British Government, your name and Company was discovered as next on the list of the Outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments.

(9. I am an IT manager for an insurance company. Methinks I have done little contracting work for the Government. Apart from my weekend work as a labourer on Gordon Brown’s smallholding obviously…)

I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in square whole and can be voguish for that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter.

(10. Square peg? Square hole? If can be VOGUISH??? Nonsense again. And now the con is on. The hook is dangling in the water. They want me to respond!!!)

Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment is GBP £6,500,000.00 (Six million Five hundred thousand Great Britain Pounds).

(11. Precious! If prior to this I had been sucking on a lead bar while scrambling my brain and had actually been taken in, now I would blink a couple of times. For some contracting work I cannot possibly have done, the Bank of England owes me 6 million J-pounds! What sort of contracting is this? Do they think I built them a new attack helicopter? Did I gold-plate Gordon’s privates for him? Good grief.)

Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:

  1. your full name.
  2. Phone, fax and mobile #.
  3. Company name, position and address:
  4. Profession, age and marital status.

(12. So basically in order to give me the 6 million J-pounds you owe me, you only want me to give you all my personal info that you may need in order to pretend to be me. Do people actually fall for that?)

As soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Bank of England.

(13. It should be ‘by certified bank draft’ not ‘in a…’. Also, we in England do not tend to use the word ‘wired’ especially in official documents. It is an American word and therefore unlikely to be used by Sir John Gieve of the Bank of England.)

Thanks for your good understanding, hope to have your response shortly.

(14. My ‘good understanding’? I don’t have that. I barely understand you at all…)

Yours Sincerely, 

John Gieve

Bank Of England

*****

I just plain cannot believe that anyone will ever fall for this. Mc Boring pointed out to me when I showed him this that when you dropped the window the email was in out of a maximized state and to a smaller window, IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT becomes IMMEDIATE CON. How cool is that. I think I need to stop referring to him these days as McBoring. He’s actually not half as boring as he was when he started and he’s a cut above some of the muppets that work here.

*** ITEM THREE ***

So on Wednesday night I happened to catch the news and heard that Pavarotti was not well. He’d gone into hospital with some problem and I believe I heard kidneys mentioned. Bear in mind that I don’t watch the news on principle and have to catch it by accident in order to find anything out – usually with the stuff you get on the news, you’re happier not knowing. Then the next morning, perhaps 9 hours later, he was dead. That was fast and sad. The man was an institution. Sad, sad, sad.

*** ITEM FOUR ***

Due to redundancies in our office, my lift is leaving in two weeks. I have a backup lift, of course (as I live seven miles from work and don’t drive – long story for another time.) And today my backup lift left. Well never mind, there’s someone in the village that can give me a lift in, but of course he’s a teacher so he only goes to work five days a year and leaves for home well before I finish work. Sorry teachers… I know you do a lot at home too. Soooo. No lift. As such, in two weeks time, I shall be moving into the realm of the scooter. Quadrophenia here we come. More of a rocker than a mod though. Yes I will be on the road, looking like a tit, any time now. Watch out.

I’m thinking: “within a year… Honda Goldwing.”

Mrs Moosehunter is not. This could be funny.

*** ITEM FIVE ***

This week has been the worst work week in living memory (and that takes some doing.) Been meaning to update for days but:

the-IT-man (my friend, boss and part-time partner in crime) headed out to Ireland to set up our new office. Belfast (that I read in Computer Weekly, as I am a nerdish reader of said magazine, referred to as the ‘Beirut of the North’.) We were a couple of weeks ago a four-man team. 1 here and 3 in our other office. Then one left and wasn’t replaced. Then another went on a fortnight’s chick-and-beer hunt in Crete. Now there were just the-IT-man and I (one in each office). Then he went out to Ireland. And since then our exchange server died and we lost email and backup and all sorts of other fun. We lost our connection to our other office for over half a day. I have projects and jobs up the wazoo (this of course is another Americanism and I’m not sure what it means but I like the sound of it.) All in all, I’ve worked hard and for more hours than normal, and been stressed to the limit all week. Now I need to relax for a weekend.

Amusing moment though when the support guy (who’s a friend of mine) was in our office rebuilding our firewall and the conversation went like this:

Him: “Who’s in the other office today?”

Me: “No one.”

Him: “Where’s Farmer Palmer?”

Me: “Crete.”

Him: “Who do you trust to disconnect cables there?”

Me: “No one.”

Him: “So you’re here, Farmer’s in Crete and the-IT-man’s in Ireland?”

Me: “Yes. The other office is empty. It’s dead. No one can help. 3 men; 2 offices; no chance.”

So while we waited for a call from someone we watched ‘Boneless Girl’ on a games site. If you’ve not seen Boneless Girl, look it up on Google. It’s superb. The blurb on the game says:

Poke and pull this scantily clad babe all over bubble-land. You’ll be amazed by the small spaces she can fit through, and throwing her across the screen never gets old.

How could you resist that?

*** ITEM SIX ***

At last I have the pages on Rome on my website up and running. If you’re remotely interested, check out the link up there on the right. If you’re not remotely interested, damn you all to Hades! What’s up with you?

Ahahahahaha.

Seriously though, there’s a lot of effort gone into it.

Ah well.

Precious little else to say of import.

Have a good weekend.

I intend to.

Moosey.

Written by SJAT

January 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: