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Moleyfax

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So… where do we start. Lets start as so often happens with the legend of the Mole Man. Every day I get into work roughly 15 minutes before him/it and rush around like mad to log in, check servers etc.. and of course to go use the toilet and make a coffee before he/it gets in and is in the way, bumbling around like some oily retarded leper.

And this lunchtime I returned from lunch and sat at my desk. All was fine and then the Moleman went on his lunch. All was even better until I decided I needed to visit the toilet. I opened the door and was nearly battered senseless by the smell. Moleman has a curious smell I believe I’ve mentioned before – something like a cross between formaldehyde and wet ferrets. Therein lies a theory I have about his/its hobby, but that’s a whole different story. Our gents has only one urinal and is quite narrow. And this bumbling sweaty thing was trying to get out as I was trying to get in. I would gladly have retreated back out into the corridor, but he/it didn’t wait long enough. He/it just pushed past me with a spine-tingling, good-natured ‘urgh… urgh… urgh’ noise going on. I’m sure I don’t have to explain to anyone how unpleasant this entire experience is in such a confined space. So he/it squeezed past me, leaving traces of lard-like bodily excretion on my sleeve (my suit will now have to be dry-cleaned and possibly ceremonially burned) and left me free run of the urinal. And while I stood there in the after effects of his crop-irrigator-like sprinkle effect, he/it started to talk to me. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I was asked, and the only answer I gave was an irritable growl. I’m not comfortable conversing while I pee at the best of times, but in a confined space with someone who smells like they died a few years ago, but couldn’t break the habit of coming to work, who makes like satisfied grunting noises as he moves, who talks drivel of the lowest calibre imaginable and who has the penile aim of a fuel air bomb is something I am not willing to contemplate. In over three years that is only the second time I have managed to be unlucky enough to have met him/it in there and from now on I’m taking a lighter and a bottle of something flammable whenever I go down there.

And then on to zetafax. I ranted about this earlier this week I believe but, although every day I believe it’s the last straw and I’ve reached the end of my tether, lo and behold: UPS delivers me another three feet of tether and a straw. I cannot deal with a piece of software that works for two hours a day, five days a week and spends the rest of the time pretty much occupying my every waking bloody moment. I used to have other jobs to do, but now zetafax has completely overridden them requiring more attention than a homesick puppy. What kind of company produces a piece of software that stops for no readily apparent reason twice a day, forcing you to restart a major company server, and then clears it’s error log helpfully to make room for more. You can’t read the damn thing because it’s cleared itself by the time you’re ready to investigate!!! And why do parts of the program occasionally stop or go offline. Honestly, I’d rather everyone printed their documents out and I’ll go and walk to their recipients with the bastard things.

End of rant.

Ah well. I’m actually feeling a lot better now. I’d better go and deal with some other ass-hat having a fax problem now, eh?

Moosehunter.

(music going round my head right now is the first track from the new album by Shadows Fall)

Written by SJAT

January 5, 2010 at 3:27 pm

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