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Moley’s Nose

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Oh my God! Something just fell out of Moleman’s nose! I know this seems an odd way to start an entry, but I sat down to think ‘What killer opening line should I use’ and, as I pondered, I looked up just in time to see something fall out of Moleman’s nose. I kid ye not. I don’t know what it was, since he immediately bent down and PICKED IT UP!!! Dear God isn’t it time for the Christmas time off yet?

Anyhoo.. just try and push away the image of things falling out of the Moleman and get on with this thing…

Well, Christmas is hurtling towards us like a juggernaught covered in bells and fairy lights. It’s now four days away and I have not as yet bought a present or written a card. Thank all the spirits of the Earth for Mrs Moosehunter, who is pretty damn organised and has done some of it already. I am filled with Christmas spirit, though I’d rather be filled with other sorts… I’m incredibly disorganised and unprepared for this Christmas and I have no idea what’s likely to be happening from one day to the next. Bum. Still, I exect it’ll all turn out fine in the end.

We have a permanent ‘lack’ in our front room fireplace. We had a reasonably-stocked coal bunker and some kindling, but no logs. So we got some logs… and ran out of kindling. We got some more kindling… and promptly ran out of logs again. So we picked up some more logs, the kindling dwindled and now we’ve got so many logs we could build a cabin, but we’ve run out of coal. This is getting ridiculous. Since we’re short on kindling, we took to using firelighters quite a bit, but we’ve now run out of them. Sooooo…. the last two nights were experiment nights. Pile huge amounts of paper screwed up in the grate. Put on top our three remaining small kindling sticks. Place a log on top of that, surrounded by six pieces of coal. Spray liberally with lighter fluid. Strike match and retire to safe distance. The resulting fireball that burst in the grate and shot up the chimney was probably seen in Scotland. For around a second and a half the room was bathed in a light akin to that of the nuclear detonations at the Muroroa Atoll. Then everything went dark, the flame went out, and the entire heap sank into a sadly cold heap in the base of the grate. So much for experiment 1, and that experiment used up the remaining few sticks of kindling. Soooo.. last night? Experiment 2. Fill the grate with mucho mucho screwed-up papero. Place three old wooden miniature boards around it like some kind of carpentry pyramid. Spray enough lighter fluid into the grate to drown a hippo, strike match and retire to safe distance…


Another spectacular flash and then sadly cold and slightly damp wood settled on a pile of ash. This is not working. We must buy kindling, coal and firelighters or we are going to have a cold Christmas.

Ah well, I think that’s enough for now. Besides, I’ve got to go touch up my fake eyebrows and try and scrub off some more ingrained soot…



Written by SJAT

January 7, 2010 at 4:09 pm

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