S.J.A.Turney's Books & More

Reviews, news and inside the world of books.

Mysteries and Solutions

leave a comment »

So… It’s been a long time since my last update, but there are reasons for that. Firstly Diaryland was down for non-Gold members for a while (must look into that) and work and home life have been just too mad to think about updating.

But to continue from the fortean theme of last episode…

The problem of the shower is solved. There was some kind of trouble with the local water supply. A couple of days later things started working fine (once half a dozen hairy lunatics had hacked a hole in the road and created their own Niagara Falls.)

However, the day after my last entry, I went out into our back yard in the morning to encourage our dogs to do their business and found…

There were already two turds in the yard that were our dogs presents the night before. Nothing unusual in that. What WAS unusual is that a whole army of snails appeared to have been using them for manoeuvres or speedway or something. Snail trails all over the yard, constantly centring on a turd. It was quite astounding. Like a concrete crop-circle. They appear to have been hovering round the edge and then homing in on the pile, circling it several times and then leaving at a different tangent. Perhaps they used turd-gravity to achieve escape velocity or something. D’you remember etch-a-sketch? It looked like patterns you’d draw with that. Or a kaleidoscope or some such.

Anyway, to move out of the fecal subject for a minute, we went to my sister-in-law’s wedding at Whitby on Saturday. It was fun and I won’t detail it here, but we then spent bank holiday Monday and the Tuesday staying in Lincolnshire with our dogs in a bed-and-breakfast place.

Now Lincolnshire is a place that (despite it’s relative closeness) I’ve hardly ever visited. I’ve been to Lincoln before. That’s about it. Lincoln’s nice. The whole county’s full of lovely villages – real picturesque and charming. In between them however, are towns and I’ve come to the conclusion that the towns are uniformly horrible. Horncastle was noisy, busy, hard to find anything in and apparently for no reason full of Armenian market vendors who tried to trip me up with market-stall covers or impale me with metal rods. Let’s just say I’m not a fan. I was in such a damn good mood until we got to Horncastle and it changed everything. It made me miserable. Then, as we left the place, the rain started to come down so thick that it was hard to tell where the land started and the river ended. So Horncastle tried to kill me, made me miserable and then made it rain on me.

Enjoyed our time there so long as I don’t think of Horncastle (or of Caistor – the only town in which I’ve ever found a fish and chip shop that’s out of fish.) I can categorically state that I will never set foot in Horncastle again.

And now onto the dogs. On Wednesday night we took them to the vets for their 20,000 mile service. We’ve had them three months now and have been noticing things we wanted to ask the vet about.

  1. Murphy keeps nibbling the base of his tail and his backside. What is this? Could it be worms? It turns out it was inflamed anal glands. The vet put on a pair of rubber gloves and violated our poor dog. He screamed like he’d been torn in two. When she removed her hands from his butt, the smell that pervaded the room (and later the entire surgery) was something you really had to be there to believe. I have never smelled anything quite so revolting in my life. Who would be a vet? In fact the smell stayed with him all the way home, so we rode for several miles in a car in the pouring rain with all the windows down to prevent illness. When I’m feeling uncharitable, Murphy’s nickname is now ‘bum-lumps’.
  2. Seth has lost a lot of hair, especially on his flanks and neck and his skin has darkened. What’s up with him? Turns out that Lurchers are martyr’s to alopecia. My God, my dogs are three and they’re going bald! Still, there’s nothing actually wrong with him, and the vet says it’ll come and go.
  3. Back to Murphy. His ears are red and flaky. Could it be his brain leaking out? Seth keeps sticking his tongue down them. Has he ruptured his brother’s brain or something? No. He has an ear infection in both ears. Here are some ear-drops. Have you ever tried administering ear-drops to a dog? It’s not easy. He fights it all the way. And the curious things is that this stuff that drips from the nozzle looks more like ear-wax than anything else in the world.
  4. We’re worried about their diet. They occasionally get bad stomachs and Mrs M is getting a bit tired of cooking up turkey-mince and rice or pasta to supplement their special dog food. (Yes we got difficult dogs). So we end up with a sack of things that look like sheep droppings, smell like gravy and have the consistency of crackers. The dogs love it.
  5. Murphy won’t let us cut his nails. If you pick up the clippers and reach for a paw he screeches like a banshee and hides his paws underneath him. Actually Mrs M was so embarrassed by the fact that we looked like over-protective, hypochondriac and panicky that we never asked about this and Murphy’s well on his way to doing a whole Fu-Manchu, Mandarin type thing with his nails.

Think that’s probably enough for now.

Oh, apart from the moment in the car on Monday where Mrs Moosehunter said something about the car and triggering the ‘airbed’. I laughed so hard I almost peed. But then so did she. And she was driving…




Written by SJAT

December 24, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: