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Phones and Morons

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“I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.”

Actually, I couldn’t find anything worthy of commemorating today, but Ornarypest did it for me. Some guy who somethingd the somethings in a something geometry something. Can you tell how little grasp I have of complex maths? But today was his birthday and he was called Hermann Ludwig Gustav WIENER! I can’t help but issue a guilty little chuckle over the name Hermann, let alone Wiener. I think the Herman thing is the fault of early and regular exposure to the Munsters. But as far as I can remember, no one ever regularly exposed a wiener at me when I was young, so that must just be plain funny!

Interesting phone call of today:

I called my mobile (cell) phone provider. In the name of protecting the guilty, I shall select a cunning pseudonym for them so that you will have no idea of what company I am speaking. We shall call them Purple. Or possibly Apple. Yes, Apple I think. Now, here are the circumstances:

  1. I used to have more free minutes on my contract than I was ever likely to use and more free texts too. No problem. Late last year, Apple rang me with their latest offers telling me I can have a new plan that’s the same but better and cheaper. I sign up. Yay for me. I don’t look too closely at the details as the moment I actually have to think about things like decisions over contracts and plans, my brain implodes and I die a horrible sticky death. Also, I don’t bother opening my Apple statements that come every month as I’m on a fixed contract paid by direct debit and if I ever call something I don’t get free, it’s usually only a couple of pounds or so. Last month I actually opened by statement and discovered that I had paid an extra £20. Ranting and raging I ran right (nice alliteration?) down the itemised bill and discovered I’d paid for all my texts. Hmm. So the lying scumbag at Apple had actually fobbed me off with a worse contract. So I need to get this sorted, but of course, I am somewhat tied up a lot of the time with my duties as King of the Procrastinators, so I only just got round to ringing them.
  2. A good few months ago I broke my mobile phone. I won’t go into details, but basically it works ok, but I had to bend the cover of the battery compartment back into shape to fit on and the front screen is cracked and fractured in a most impressive fractal pattern. So I needed a replacement, but hey… it still worked, and I needed to run the new year honours lists for all the other great procrastinators in my kingdom, so I only just got round to it.

Now I have to admit that sorting the contract thing out was nice and fast and remarkably easy. And, in their defence, the actual people I spoke to were helpful and friendly. The only real stumbling block I came across went like this:

  • Apple: Are you calling from the mobile this is regarding?
  • Moosey: Yep.
  • Apple: And what seems to be the problem?
  • Moosey: My phone’s broken.
  • Apple: But you’re calling from it…
  • Moosey: Yes I know that, but it’s broken.
  • Apple: But you’re calling from it…
  • Moosey: What is this? Some kind of time loop? I know. The parts that are broken are not the parts I’m using to call. I’m using the bit that isn’t broken for that.
  • Apple: (long silence) Ok. Can you give me your B.U.M.S. number (or some such – I can’t remember the initials)
  • Moosey: Erm. That’s not on my statement.
  • Apple: No. It’ll be on the back of your phone.
  • Moosey takes phone from ear and looks at the back: Hi… If it’s on the back, then it’s written in black on a black phone.
  • Apple: No, no, no. It’s under the battery.
  • Silence.
  • Moosey: Are you doing this deliberately? Are you bored? Listen, Rain Man… how do I look behind the battery while I’m on the phone. In my experience, if I take the battery out to look there’s a fair chance I’ll be cut off.
  • Apple: Hmm. Yes. Well you should have looked first and then called us.

After this I went through my collection of expletives.

The upshot is: Nothing can be done right now. But, at my next billing date in about 3 weeks my contract will change and I can text once more. And though they don’t have a replacement phone in stock in my colour, they’ll send me one when they have. Needless to say I turned down the brown one. After all, the 70s are over, dude!

Ah well. It’s almost 2 and time to get back to the grind.

Here’s to my anonymous phone provider.

The future’s bright; the future’s Apple!

Moosey.

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Written by SJAT

January 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

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