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Pigs and Irritations

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A different tack today. I’m going to keep track of all the annoying things that happen and describe them here. I hereby entitle this entry “How to Annoy me at Work.”

8:30 – Get in to the office as early as possible so you can try and break everything before I’ve had a chance to check & maintain it. I started coming in half an hour early (sacrificing precious real life) in order to get these things done, and everyone else in this happy little suckhole seemed to take that as an example and now? So do they. Unless I want to start being an hour early for work, I have to race the staff to the systems I want to check.

8:43 – Call me from the other floor with a problem and describe it so badly it takes minutes for me to realise that it’s something remarkably simple. Then pay no attention to my solution when I dispense it and just keep complaining that it still doesn’t work until I give up the fight in desperation and come up to see you. I will then follow my own instructions to the letter (in this case: Press space and press OK), sigh and head back downstairs.

9:15 – Chicken Boy. That pretty much covers a whole plethora of sins, but suffice it to say by 9:08 this morning he’d already got Darth Vader’s theme jammed in my head going round and round. Though it does have to be said he makes me laugh. He just pointed out on the Grey One’s holiday chart that there’s one colour to mark holiday and a different one to show “PLANNED SICKNESS!!!!!” Needless to say the only planned sickness on the chart is the Grey One. What the f***? Chicken Boy and I are planning to apply for a day of Gastric Diarrhoea some time late next week.

9:30 – Come and stand silently behind my desk, waiting for me to finish what I’m doing before you speak to me. Honestly, it’s not at all irritating having a silent watchman just behind your left shoulder and in no way do I drag out what I’m doing as long as possible just to see how long you will stand silently. Equally annoying is the leaning round the door and shouting that you need me. Unless you need me to unburden yourself of money, try just asking politely.

9:45 – As a slight aside, the Fat Man just rang from our other office. Nice guy. Real talkative, but a nice guy. He was talking about his college course and dropped in the phrase “we did two hours of oracle sequel.” I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m still immature and that phrase just struck entirely the wrong chord with me and sounded filthy and rude.

10:25 – Bring down a wireless mouse asking for new batteries. Be unable to open it. Be unable to find the batteries in the stationary cupboard despite the fact that they’re in the middle and at face height in a black and yellow box that is clearly labelled. When they are pointed out, reach instead for a box of Papermate HB propelling pencils and say in a baffled voice “these?” Yes, dear. Force the propelling pencil into the battery compartment. It’s bound to work, after all, carbon’s a fuel!!. No, honestly, who’s using the family brain cell at the moment?

10:58 – Calling me with a problem and repeatedly going over the problem while I keep saying “wait a minute.” Then, when I’m ready to solve it for you, ignoring me and talking to someone else while I listen to you drivel on the phone. That’s helpful. Real good use of my time!

12:00 – Lunch. Thank God. Still, at least the Grey Boring one isn’t here today, so the atmosphere in the room has risen above funereal. I swear that the man has the peculiar talent of sucking the life-force out of human beings. Being within a mile of him makes your brain grey!

2:43 – If you call me to tell me something has ‘gone’ mysteriously on your spreadsheet/e-mail/document etc… it is no good trying to persuade me that it ‘just happened’. These things do not just happen. Users with all the computer literacy of a baked ham happen to them. If something has vanished, try pressing ‘undo’. It’s always (not usually – ALWAYS) because you have done something. Probably something that involves the word ‘delete’. Please do not insult my inteligence by trying to make me believe the computer is picking on you. Making me walk all the way upstairs and back down just to press ‘undo’ is not going to rocket you to the top of my christmas card list. Learn to use the tools of your trade, idiots.

3:03 – The Grey One just capped the whole day and perpetrated the ultimate irritation by arriving at the office. Him just being here is one of life’s most unbearable irritants. He actually has a mug that says “I (heart) MY WORK”.

3:35 – The Grey One does it again. Picture this: Frenchy left last week for maternity and had her baby yesterday. Upon finding this out five minutes ago, the Grey Mindless one’s first thought was how it would screw up his holiday and sickness chart! Oh my God, who do I have to pay to have him done away with in a grusome and visceral manner?

For some strange reason, the random irritations seem to have faded away this afternoon and everything’s gone eerily quiet. Quite nice having time to do a little research, however, and I think I’ll wind this entry up now by adding our “101 Uses for a Pig” compiled by myself, Chicken Boy, the Hobbit, Hotspur and Stewie. Enjoy… 

  1. “Humber Pig” Military Vehicles
  2. 3rd Annual Bavarian Pig-Licking Competition
  3. American Military excuse. Take them anywhere and you can call it the Bay of Pigs
  4. Annual Pigathon
  5. As a pack or riding animal
  6. Bacon/Ham (Meat)
  7. Beach warning: They sunburn so you can use them as a gauge for sunbathing safety
  8. Can use the curly tail if your arial is broken on your radio
  9. Carrier Pigs for message delivery
  10. Ceremonial Pigskins for graduation purposes
  11. City park farms for inner-city education
  12. Crazy Golf hole decoration
  13. Cross-breeding with a chicken to create the ultimate farmyard animal
  14. Cross-breeding with dogs to create Schwein-hunds
  15. Cuddle them if you’re feeling down.
  16. Decorative purposes (head-on-wall trophy style)
  17. Disposing of Human bodies
  18. Dog Food
  19. Drowning Demons (see Bible – Mark, Chapter 5)
  20. Enraging Jewish or Islamic People at meal times
  21. Fattening up until they’re spherical and then using to roll lawns and cricket pitches
  22. Floatation devices in case of shipwreck
  23. Food Taster
  24. Footstool
  25. For use in Nursery Ryhmes & Fairy Tales<
  26. Garbage disposal
  27. German Pig-Dogs
  28. Going “wee wee wee” all the way home
  29. Greased pig wrestling
  30. Guard Pigs
  31. Guide-pigs for the Blind
  32. Guinea Pigs
  33. Hunting for Truffles
  34. Keeping staff entertained when there’s nothing else to do
  35. Launching into the air to prove disbelieving people wrong
  36. Lawn Mowers
  37. Lucky Pig’s foot
  38. Luminous Pigs in Taiwan for Stem Cell Research
  39. Manufacture of American Footballs
  40. Mascot for the football team in Pigdon, Northumberland
  41. Modelling for animal artists
  42. Multi-Purpose Tool
  43. Outsize door-stop
  44. Parts are used to make fertilizer. medecine and glue
  45. Parts are used to make lard
  46. Pets
  47. Pig Balloons. Over-fill them with helium and stand in a basket tied beneath
  48. Pig fighting (like bull fighting)
  49. Pig Lead (or Pig Iron)
  50. Pig Racing
  51. Pig Rodeo
  52. Pig skin rugs and curtains etc.
  53. Pig tennis using really large racquets
  54. Pig-baiting
  55. Piggy Banks
  56. Piggy in the Middle
  57. Piggy tossing (as in who can throw the porker further)
  58. PIGGYS!! PIGGYS FOR SCIENCE!!!! (See Invader Zim)
  59. Pig’s hair bristles in brushes
  60. Pig’s Milk, Cheese & Yoghurt
  61. Pink Floyd Mascot
  62. Playing grand-scale chess with Pigs as white and Dogs as black
  63. Pork Pies
  64. Possible use as a methane based power plant
  65. Provocative dancing in Nightclubs
  66. Remove legs, head and tail to make a bean bag that won’t lose beans all over the floor
  67. Replacements for elderly people who’ve lost someone important
  68. Replacements for mice in the PC world. Click the left button on your pig…
  69. Road-Hogs
  70. Running society in a George Orwell novel
  71. Sacrificing to the Greek Goddess Demeter
  72. Satisfying the habits of a ten-a-day Pigaholic
  73. Satisying unreasonable nymphomaniacs (pig orgasms last 30 minutes
  74. Sex
  75. Shark Bait
  76. Sheep-Pig as the film “Babe”
  77. Skin for Clothing
  78. Slang for a member of the Constabulary
  79. Sniffer Pigs for drugs
  80. Stand-ins in family portraits for ugly relatives
  81. Strap explosives to them and send them under tanks
  82. Stunt double for Miss Piggy from the Muppets
  83. Target Practice
  84. Telephone answer service
  85. Testing drugs on
  86. The fat is used to make soap
  87. The Game: Pass the Pigs, played live and full scale
  88. The Pigs of War! (aka WARPIGS!!!)
  89. The skin is used to make leather
  90. Throwing at people you don’t like
  91. Throwing pearls before them
  92. Titty Bar Pig (against my better judgement, but there is a picture for proof)
  93. To clear minefields
  94. To point at and laugh when drunk or stoned
  95. Undermining Castle walls using Pig Fat
  96. Unofficial symbol of the city of Cincinatti, Ohio
  97. Use as a bouncy castle for really small children
  98. Waterskins made out of Pig Scrotums
  99. Weights and Measures: I’ll have a pig and a half of apples please
  100. Without them, the Chinese zodiac would be short a sign – No Year of the Pig!
  101. You can write on them if you run out of paper.

Ciao for now… Moosehunter


Written by SJAT

August 27, 2009 at 3:11 pm

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