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Returns, Rants and Hedgehogs

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Ok. It seems to have been a long time since I’ve kept anyone up with the madness that is my life. I left a brief note the other day just to make sure people knew I hadn’t been kidnapped by a secret society of hedgehogs and pushed down a rabbit hole to remain in my damp, earthy cell for many years mining worms for the mighty hedgehog nation with my fellow prisoners.

Ok. I just looked back over what I wrote and I think perhaps I need to start taking the blue pills again.

Anyway after a long time away, Dangerspouse has written again (in his usual dry but hilarious style) and even Uncle Bob (who was considering stopping for good) had a nice rant at something with which I agree. They’ve shamed me into it. Actually I’ve been meaning to write again for ages, but things are usually just too busy.

Firstly, there’s Mrs Mooshunter, who is currently in Kracow in Poland for a hen-3-days before the wedding with three of her university mates. Firstly, what I know about Kracow:

  1. It’s in Poland
  2. Its currency is the zloty (translates as Golden) – the funniest currency name I’ve every found. Sounds like something you tread in.
  3. Karol Wojtyla came from there and made it to lieutenant in the army, actor and playwright, a goalkeeper, and eventually Pope, where for some reason he chose to name himself after two of the Beatles. Apparently he was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. Cool, huh?
  4. It was a centre of power for the Knights Teuton (a military religious order that came late to the crusades and ran out of infidels to kick, so they started kicking anyone they didn’t like. Strange bunch who once went into battle fully armoured, but barefoot to prove they were tough.)
  5. Otto Schindler built his factory there.

Not sure why I told you all that, but there you go. By now Mrs Moosehunter probably can’t see. She will have consumed half the Eastern Europe vodka lake and is probably dancing on a table somewhere in a Polish Bar doing her Tina Turner impression to Simply The Best. I’m sure her three friends who are all lovely are keeping her topped up and mildly comatose. I keep expecting either to see her on the news or to get her ‘one phone call’ and have to arrange bail in zloties. Poland is in the middle of a heatwave which, for a country on the Baltic Sea, must be taking them a bit by surprise.

Then there’s our own heatwave. It’s been somewhat warm in Britain recently. We’ve had weather that the Brits usually go to Spain to experience and for some reason we’re totally incapable of handling it at home. In fact, it’s been hot enough for me to wear shorts. Now that’s hot! For me to bring out my two faintly blue pipe-cleaner legs and display them to the world for general ridicule. I watched the news last night and they were interviewing people on an English beach. Three people explained how they were skiving off work with feeble excuses, but it’s alright, cos the boss’ll never find out. Newsflash, people! You’ve just been shown on three quarters of the country’s televisions saying exactly that. He’s already found out, you half-wit. Then there was the couple who were about to get married and had altered their honeymoon plans because of the weather. In her squeaky cockney voice, she said “why honeymoon abroad when you can honeymoon in Bournemouth?” Oh dear God! I hope she’s got big feet, as her IQ was surely lower than her shoe size. And then there was the article about a whole region of England that was going to be without water. Well, it’s been parched and scorching for a week now, so that’s not a surprise. What is a surprise is that it’s not because of heat. It’s because of an electrical fault. Caused by people using a lot of water. So basically what the company were saying was: “So long as people don’t need much water they can have it when they like, but when it gets tropical and people are dying of thirst and heatstroke, you can’t have any water at all, because we haven’t designed the system to be able to handle a real need.” Apparently they’ve got so much water in reservoirs they could last months, but it’s no use because some diode blew and now they can’t actually give it to anyone. Arguments against privatisation anyone?

Hmmm. Later on today, my best man will be arriving from where he currently resides (I’ll give you a clue – cuckoo clocks, cheese fondues and toblerone) in preparation for going on a stag day on Saturday. Might be tempted to post photos afterwards if they’re good. Everyone who’s anyone is going. Hey guys… Meet us on Saturday 22nd in Bridlington! I’ll tell you where if you mail me. (Men only obviously – it’s a stag do, not a roe-do!)

Oh and on the way home from the village pub last night, my father, Fester II (shinetop) and myself encountered a hedgehog that would not move. They’re supposed to roll into a ball when scared, so I can only assume that the three of us appear laughably harmless to the hedgehog population. It sat and watched us. Shinetop tried to move it off the path and speared himself in about a hundred places on its spines, but it just smiled and watched him as he moved it, wincing in pain. I have the distinct feeling it laughed once we were out of sight and then wandered back out to get the next lot of passers by. Hedgehogs! I tell you, screw dolphins… hedgehogs are way smarter. And apparently quite tasty too…

By the way, the-IT-man and another mate sorted a domain for me so I’ve finally updated my Roman site and it’s much better and more comprehensive. Click on the link on the left to see.

Well that’s me at the moment. Busy, short on sleep, long on top and squashy round the sides.

Ciao for now.

Moosehunter.

(Incidentally, although not listening to music right now, the ever-dreadful ‘One and Only’ is circling my brain.)

Written by SJAT

December 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm

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