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Soil and Morons

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Well it’s been over a week once more. To be honest, I’ve not had any news noteworthy enough to give me the impetus to write. But today has given me the urge.

Gardens. Gardens are things that look nice but take constant supervision to remain so, otherwise they start looking like a set from Day of the Triffids or Predator or something. Our front garden is small and bisected by a path to the front door. At some point in the distant past (probably the Victorian era I am led to believe) some bright spark purposefully built the level of the front garden up by a foot and planted it left, right and centre with diverse flora. The result a century later is a confused mound of shrubbery that is indescribable. I actually wondered whether to feed some of them meat. That result, and also some serious damp in the house walls. Yes, they built the garden level up so high it started making the house damp. Even now, after the estate have damp-coursed the thing for us, the garden level was higher than the damp course! So, in order to have a nicer garden and to prevent the rot, we’ve undertaken to bring the garden down closer to sea level and gravel it. This is nice. It’s actually only taken a fortnight, and today my father and his friend are collecting and laying the gravel for us, so it will be done. Then we have to mend the fence, add a gate and start on the other side beyond the path. During this time we have made several interesting discoveries.

  1. One rail of the fence had fallen at one end and was diagonal. I brought out a hammer and nails to put it back up and discovered that the nutcase who had originally noticed the rail had fallen had foregone the idea of nailing it back up and had, instead, tied to a particularly thick branch of the hedge. The result was that to lift the rail and nail it back in place was the equivalent of lifting a mini cooper and holding it in place while hammering a nail in.
  2. In the Victorian period when they raised the level of the garden, they put in a pipe running from the drain to a soak-away. The soak-away is about 15 inches from the drain and therefore in my mind totally pointless. Plus, now we’ve begun the garden’s healing process, it stands proud, so we’ve had to create a raised bed over it.
  3. The manufacturers of our shovel appear to have put a solid block of black dye somewhere inside the handle. It’s fine when it’s dry, but as soon as the shovel gets wet, black liquid runs up and down the handle with every thrust and gives me a very gothic nail polish. It takes about a week after a wet digging day for my hands to turn flesh-coloured again. I look like the creature from the black latrine!

Then, onto today’s subject: Morons.

I spent the lunchtime today sitting in a beer garden with a friend having a pint. Also sitting in the beer garden were the Ripon Branch of the Cabbagebrain Society. They were happily sitting there, seven adults with 117 children, talking about pubic hair and using language that would make a sailor blush, when the landlord came out and told one of them to leave as he was on the ‘barred list’. The lad ran away to his flat on the other side of the road. The landlord warned them to tell him if he came back that he would call the police. And so, half a minute later, once the landlord was gone, he came back and resumed his conversation. No one told him. The landlord came out again and threatened him and the Neanderthal started arguing that he wasn’t in the pub.

  • “No, but you’re on my property.”
  • “No, I’m outside.”
  • “You’re outside on my property.”
  • “No, I’m in the car park”
  • “In my carpark”
  • “No this is yours but it’s also the fish and chip shop’s”
  • “But it’s also mine. Hello, police?”

And so on.

Honestly, they were not the nicest or brightest people. However, it always makes me laugh when people are busy f-ing and blinding and talking about poo and pubic hair and then as soon as a baby gurgles they all turn into giggling idiots, cooing and laughing.

Anyway. Enough of this. Lunch is over and back to work.



Written by SJAT

December 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm

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