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Spam Names

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Best Spam names I’ve been assailed by:

Alfonzo Barton – Space Adventurer

Dolly Gage – In 1947 she was the original San Francisco Fan Dance girl that everyone lusted after. Now she looks slightly less appealing in just her floor length bead-curtain and ostrich feathers.

Jesus Kennedy – Nebraska Banjo Player, White Water Rafting Champion and part-time monkey molester.

Marcus B. Leary – Attorney at Law.

Kermit Talbot – Nebraska Banjo competition runner-up. Has one eye larger than the other by almost an inch. Once clubbed a deer to death on his front porch with a salami.

Arie Skafec – Gotta be ‘Special Agent’ Arie Skafec to my mind. The sort that takes no shit and hands out verbal and physical abuse by the truck load. Is probably only the second generation of his family to live in America but already thinks anyone who doesn’t speak English is a terrorist bum-head. Including old uncle Borys in Gdansk.

Tamera Burris – presents ‘Naked Rodeo’. Ex film-star of THOSE films. Trying to be legit, but using her cleavage to do so.

Rena Boyce – Rena became a nurse because she likes to bed bath and administer enemas. In fact she often does it in her spare time too. Don’t fall asleep at one of her parties.

Dr Dana Houser MD – Inventor of the strap-on buttock for the rectally challenged. Supplier of suspicious meds for the world Flat Cap throwing competition.

Mohammad Winters – Love Child of Shelley Winters and Ibrahim, the studly arab pool boy.

Jessica Manley – I picture Jessie (or Jess) as a somewhat bulky girl with a slightly hairy upper lip. She works in a car bodywork factory, pressing steel plates. In her down-time she spends intimate hours with her life partner Barb, bench pressing her.

Latesha Deirdre – Famous for having eaten the Denby Dale Pie on her own (look it up on the net.) She needed to be stomach-pumped eighteen times in the 37 hour eat-a-thon and has since had to have all her clothes made from spandex by a company that manufactures barrage balloons.

Monroe Downs – Scottish painter of pottery cats and collector of antique Pot Pourri.

Cocuzza Kaai – Sits on the veranda of a house of excellent repute in Hanoi, showing shapely leg and winking at passers by. Her speciality is the rubber hose.

Scherbring Kearn – This guy is blond, with a pony tail and neatly-trimmed goatee but no moustache. He wears small, round, wire-rim glasses and a sharp suit. He either sells software solutions or he’s a neo-Nazi terrorist.

Avis Foley – Beverley Hills Rent-a-Car

Elmo Gaines – I see this guy as having jug-handle ears, little piggy eyes and the same complexion as an oven-baked pepperoni with extra sweetcorn.

Phoenix Seymour – Taking a break from his latest TV show, “What’s that orifice”… it’s Phoenix Seymour!

Gaye Gilbert – Gaye is a wannabe Animal Rights activist, but is allergic to hair, fur, pollen and sunlight, so she sits inside in her hypoallergenic cotton Native American print dress and straw hat with a plastic daffodil in the band.

Filomena Woodruff is a Weasel Whisperer from Droitwich.

Jo Ham – Martial Artist, with a black belt in Hoo Flung Dung, Olympic master at the contact sport of naked albino wrestling.

Latasha Skaggs – I see here a bone-thin woman with cheekbones so high her eyebrows almost rest on them, wearing enough makeup to fill a small bucket. She is probably a rep for some annoying cold-calling company.

Rabalais Norrid – Inventor of the ice-cream hat and runner up in the all-Finland speed-fainting championship.

Kenton Boykin – This I feel has to be a lawyer with slicked back hair and a fairly nasal voice, probably crowing over his latest courtroom victory where he had a 77 year old woman sent down for armed robbery and beating a 300lb wrestler to death with a stick of celery.

Timmy Couch – This lad has to be about 10 years old, probably with a lame leg and a permanent tear on one cheek. Every sentence he says starts with ‘Please guv’nor…’

Felisha Sunny – Well this is either a swarthy hooker in thigh boots with a laugh like a suction truck draining a septic tank or possibly a TV presenter in a colourful cardigan.

Dr Armando Wesley – I’m guessing this guy looks vaguely Italian and has a doctorate in Shark Orthodontics.

Leonarda Coralee – Italian-Irish surrealist painter?

Rodger Spangler – This man has to be one of those folks who goes jogging in lycra whatever the weather. Probably with a Bluetooth headpiece attached so that he can look important.

Adolph Fritz – Vat is dat? Nein… I am not German und I have never heard of der fuhrer! Ich bin ein Belgian Poodle groomer.

Carmela Benoit – I picture this woman in red satin with a cigarette holder and film noir stance discussing Braques with a Bohemian.

Rand Mock – Dutch philanthropist and author of the bestselling psychological treatise “How your wang influenced the growth of Western Society.”

Lucious Goldstein – Note the interesting first name. I’m picturing this one as a flamboyantly gay Jewish boxing promoter. As I’m sure you are too now…

Esteban Pratt – Could this man perhaps be a tax inspector or accountant?

Mr. Fritz – Could this be old Adolph again under another pseudonym? No I think this one must be either a little putty tat or a puppy.

Moses Mansfield – Ok. This has to be a black guy almost seven feet tall with a deep booming voice. Like a cross between Hightower from Police Academy and Barry White.

Hee hee



Written by SJAT

January 11, 2011 at 4:32 pm

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