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Spiders and Moles and Retards, oh my!!!

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Do you ever get the feeling that you’re progressing as hard as you can, running to catch up with life, but the more you run, the further away the goals get, like you’re walking up the down escalator?

So where do we begin. Let’s start with a general rant against the race of the mole-people. I’m sure I’ve mentioned the mole man before. Well he’s back… and this time it’s war.

This morning I can in and was immediately assailed by the Mole Man whose PC would not boot up and crashed around the login screen. Now I have to admit that this computer was probably superceded by the abacus and is not the speediest of machines, but still, it worked for what he needed. Being about as computer-literate as a Mars bar, he didn’t really need something capable of running NASA. He uses three applications: Outlook (for email) Citrix (for our database) and Internet Explorer (for our website). And, to be brutally honest, he can’t even do those three properly. So I am needless to say unwilling to replace his PC with the top of the line spare I have ready for problems. After all, as I put it to the-IT-man, if your 4 year old breaks his pedal car, you don’t give him an Audi TT Roadster as a replacement. It would be a waste.

So I set about mending it. It was running at 100% CPU usage constantly (usually a problem with a virus or spyware). However, as I worked on it, the freaky bitch-cow brain dead, incestuous, mindless fuckwit constantly quesitoned me. Now, how does someone with the IT knowledge of a Banofee pie question an IT professional? People who are quite au fait with our systems will ask occasionally as I fix things “Is it screwed then?” This is the kind of question I can answer and feel inclined to do so. However, every 40 seconds or so, being asked “is it to do with the connections?” while it’s not actually connected to anything or “do you think the cleaner pulled a wire out” is NOT likely to ellicit a nice response from me. More like “Listen… when I know what’s wrong, I’ll fix it, but constantly badgering me and distracting my attention is putting any solution much further off, now will you kindly take your inbred ass out of smelling distance and STOP ASKING ME F***ING STUPID QUESTIONS!!!”

Ahem. In the end, I have given up. Whatever kiddy-porn he was downloading has killed his computer and they don’t make spare parts for models built during the Victorian Era any more. He’s had a replacement PC. My training machine (i.e. the SECOND oldest PC in the company.)

Anyway, enough about the world’s most irritating nonagenarian.

On to arachnids.

Yes, every few months I have to rant anew about the world’s most evil species. Late last night (around midnight) I was sitting on my PC in the back room using google earth to identify Roman Ampthitheatres (yes, I know it’s sad, but at least it’s legal and moral), in the dark, with only the light of the screen in the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. I glanced to the right and saw a spider the size of my hand (with the fingers spread) walking across the wall. This was close enough that if I put my elbow out it would have touched it. It had HUGE legs. But this was no harvestman spider. It also had a huge body. In a certain film that gives me the willies, Jeff Daniels would have given up and moved continents to get away from it. I could actually see the pattern on its back. And, of course, my heart gave out. I backed away across the room, but it was close to both the computer and the door and I was now trapped near the window. I watched it crawl down among my piles of papers and hardware and made my mind up. I slugged a large measure from the bottle of whisky I still had in my hand and then ran forward and shut down my PC. I could see the evil bastard sat watching me from the depths of the pile and kept shouting at my PC to “hurry the hell up and shut down!” Finally it started to shut down and I heaved a sigh of relief until the bastard thing ran at me. I’ve said this before, but spiders are NOT as scared of us as we are of them. Any creature that will willingly charge another creature a hundred times their size is NOT afraid. I screamed like a girl and jumped onto a stool as the thing ran underneath me and into the next pile of stuff next to the bed. Without blinking, I leapt from the stool and ran for the door, closing it behind me. And it’s still there. Being Evil. And guarding my computer. I am now barred from my own computer room. I DO hope that when Mrs Moosehunter gets home she can find it and capture it or our 2 bedroom house has now become a 1 bedroom. When I climbed into bed I was still hyperventilating and did so for at least a half hour before I could even contemplate sleep. I swear I could hear it scratching at the door to get out. And, of course, I told this to the-IT-man (my boss) this morning when we were chatting and he started telling me about how you unknowingly eat them in your sleep. Way to go boss for stopping me ever sleeping again!!! Why do people who are not arachnophobes not understand that we do not want to know gross things like this. That’s it… therapy over and no more conversation about spiders.

And then there’s something that Mrs Moosehunter and I were discussing: the classification of Retards. There are so many seemingly stupid people out there that we feel some kind of classification system is in order. I’m not talking about the sort of person she described to me today. This was someone at her temporary workplace that has to use her hands to add 8 and 4! I’m talking about the other kinds…

1. The shopping retard. This is someone who deliberately blocks an aisle by standing sideways with their trolley and 14 illegitimate children, discussing whether Budget brand is better than Cheap brand while you try to get past to find your other half who is also looking for you and getting held up behind someone who is reading the ingredients on a packet of toothpaste.

2. The driving retard. We have a lot of these in Ripon. They appear to buy some model of car that comes without indicators, that can only park where there are double-yellow lines to guide it in, and in which the engine only works in response to a mobile phone glued to the driver’s ear.

3. The hillbilly retard. Upon our jaunt to the North Yorkshire Moors, we met a huge variety of these. Being a Yorkshireman I hate maligning my own kind, but some of these people must be the result of twenty generations of indiscrimitate inbreeding. Cue Billy the pig wrangler and his one-eyed cousin/brother!

There are many other classifications, but I’m too busy to get to them at the mo. The mole man calls. He’s found a way to turn his PC desktop upside down and can’t put it back. Oh sweet Jesus save me!



Written by SJAT

December 20, 2009 at 1:53 pm

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