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These stupid things.. remind me of you

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These stupid things… remind me of you

Well of course there’s the situation of the evil streetlight… It’s really starting to bug me. Every time I walk beneath it it switches off. It doesn’t matter how long I spent standing with it on the periphery of my vision, I never see it switch back on, yet if I duck out of sight and come back it’s on again… until I walk past it. It has to be being controlled. I suspect Walt, whose house it is outside. When I walk past his house at any time of the day or night I can see light on in the kitchen and hear Audie Murphy westerns blaring out at high volume. Thus he must be permanently awake and watching westerns with a little monitor next to the TV on which he can see people passing by and shut off the light. It has to be malicious and personal. Lights just don’t do that on their own.

Also, yesterday, I came home to find one of my more prized fluffy toys (Henry Moose) lying in the dog bed. Seth (who has a soft-toy obsession) must have done some fair climbing to get him and managed not to disturb all the stuff around him. So I put him back in place and mildly chastised Seth. Mrs M thought it was hilarious. Wait til it’s Terry Triceratops he gets, dear, and then see how funny it is.

And also, when we went out for ten mins and came back I found the dustpan and brush from the fireplace lying chewed in the middle of the floor. Murphy! I know this because I put them back, went and got a drink, came back and sat down, just in time to watch the little bugger pick them back up again (for which he also was mildly chastised.)

Then today my mother went to pick up the dogs to look after them over the middle of the day and found that they’d opened one of the packets of toilet rolls we had on the stairs. She said Seth had a stringy white beard when she met him at the back door. She put the other seven rolls on the kitchen worktop and the damaged one in the log basket by the fire. Good thinking? For dogs who have a record for climbing on the kitchen worktops while we’re out and one who removes things from the fireplace to chew? I’m expecting the house to look like it’s been snowing when I get home.

And then there’s work. A while ago Employee X should be able to work from home I am told by Director ™. I discuss this with the IT man and arrangements are made. I am to prep a laptop for her and Director ™ will speak to me about it. This was maybe two or three weeks ago. Today I got asked why it hasn’t happened. I restrained myself from saying ‘because I got it all ready and then no one came back to me’ because this is not a good career move. In our company that can get you bounced faster than a cannibal pig at a bar-mitzvah. So I am now sorting it, but IT-man isn’t in today and I am not in tomorrow, so I can see this still being put off til next week.

So what else is new? Oh yes, I collected Uncle Fester’s PC many days ago now to see if I could sort out (random crashes, failure to play games etc.) I had it for a while, managed some slight improvement and delivered it again for them. I knew I’d have to do more work on it. After my minor improvements I realised it had made little real difference and that something drastic was called for. My mind turned briefly to charging elephants, chainsaws and posting the damn thing to Bogota, but I settled on basically a rebuild. So this weekend I rebuilt it for them. The chipset (for those of you who don’t know PCs a chipset is the Pentium 4, or AMD or whatever, not some kind of forest-dwelling rodent) has actually dropped a tiny amount (though not much) but the ram (memory, not male ovine creature) has more than double, the graphics card has more than doubled in power, and it’s got a nicer case with usb ports on the front. Now they’re getting broadband in. They were sorting it last night and rang to ask it they should accept free McAfee. For those of you not in the know, do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER accept McAfee, Symantec, Norton onto your PC. You are signing your own death warrant. These things are far from the best protection on the market, riddled with more bugs than our dog ‘bum-lumps’, harder to remove than a tangled nipple-ring and often end up with people giving in in despair and buying a whole new PC. The upshot of this is that Uncle Fester will shortly be broadband capable and net-bound. And once I’ve been over again and sorted everything out into nice usable icons for them, I shall prompt him to start keeping his own diary. It’s worth it. The things that happen to him are as strange as the things that happen to me (and sometimes the same things.)

Tomorrow I am not in work as I go to Hotspur’s stag-do in Blackpool. Yes I must once more harden my flesh and cross the forbidding border into Lancashire. And play golf. Me. Playing golf. I shall take a camera and hope to produce interesting golf shots. I guarantee that any golf shot including me will be interesting, since I am slightly worse at Golf than a ring-tailed lemur having an epileptic fit. Plus the weather at the moment is somewhat on the depressingly drizzly side, so I’m not sure just how much wet golf I can take. But the beer and the company will be greatly welcomed.

Incidentally, back to the dogs… we told Murphy and Seth both off last night (though only mildly while laughing) for climbing onto our sofa while we were seated there. Seth is relaxed and went back to his own sofa to go to sleep. Murphy, who is turning into the world’s worst sulky teenager, went back to the sofa and lay there, staring at Mrs M. For maybe 20 minute. Hardly blinking; just staring. And he had his front legs crossed and occasionally flexed his ankles, like a petulant child kicking at the chair legs. I swear there is something drastically wrong with our dogs. They’re certainly more human than many of the humans I know.

And yesterday I sent an email to F-secure anti-virus support. We’ve rolled out the system across the company and it’ll go fine on all out client machines and two of the three servers but absolutely will not damn well install on the exchange server, no matter what I try. So in the end, I put together a major email (longer than even this entry if you can believe) detailing every tiny ounce of info I have on the server, the application, the installations and the errors. Very technical. Today I got their response (I have boiled the three suggestions down to layman’s terms):

  1. Is the computer up to date? – Well let me see. I’m an IT manager with responsibility for almost thirty machines including three servers alongside other hardware with a combined cash value of more than I will ever earn in a position of responsibility. Oh and I’m slightly anal retentive over such things, so I guess the answer would be yes?
  2. Have I got the right administrative permissions to do this? Well… erm. No you see I’m just a hobo who wandered into the building and thought I’d roll out a networked anti-virus product across an office. Of course I’ve got the administrative permissions, you monkey!
  3. Does that machine have a firewall? Wee let me see. We’re a network, so we’ve switched off the windows firewall so we can actually see each other (thanks Bill Gates for that little gem) and the product I’m trying to install but can’t that I’m asking you about is part of the protection system. No you fool. I installed a dozen firewalls to prevent me getting access to my own server.

I swear to God these people are going to be responsible for me going postal.

Essentially, to someone in my position, this would be the equivalent of the following conversation at a doctor’s surgery:

  • Hi… I’ve got a little rash on my shins I need you to look at and identify.
  • Have you checked that you’ve got skin?
  • Have you looked to make sure it’s just your shins and you’re not covered in it and looking like a roast parsnip?
  • Are your legs covered with socks and you’re mistaking the pattern for a rash?

Wow, this is a long entry.

Still, I guess that pretty much winds it up for today.

See you in the asylum



Written by SJAT

December 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm

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