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Things that are and should not be

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I haven’t added an entry in an age, and thought perhaps it was time I shifted by immense bubble-butt into gear and did something. So what’s happened since last Moose-note? Shed-loads has. Absolute tons. I’ll give here a bulletin point run-down of the best bits (with possible expansion into separate entries later):

1. Mrs M finally had her two wisdom teeth out and is consequently only half as wise. Actually, she seemed to recover pretty damn quick apart from spending the next week slightly barmy through an impressive cocktail of drugs she was put on.

2. I did my CBT (Compulsory Basic Training) for riding scooters and motorcycles a few weeks ago. As a result, I am now officially allowed to ride a scooter, I own a scooter, and I have registered my scooter. Because of the damn postal strike however, I have not got the documents back in order to TAX said scooter and as a result of that, the machine sits in my shed unused. The CBT was funny though, as the scooter I was on was restricted to 30 miles an hour for learners. This was great for me apart from the fact that gravity makes a lot of difference on those machines. At full throttle downhill I struggled to do less than 40, and at full throttle uphill, I struggled to do more than 15. It was kind of painful at times (as was my ass after 7 hours on the same machine… I felt like I’d ridden a bucking bronco wearing lederhosen or been spanked by General Grievous.)

3. Went to Switzerland to visit Sparky (my best man from the wedding). He lives on the outskirts of Bern and shares an apartment building with people who have names like ‘Dieckmann’ and ‘Adolf Winkler’. The area also included the suburbs of Wankdorf and Moossedorf (which I am still cut up about not having visited.) Saw Roman sites and the inside of many bars. On Thursday night we had fondue. My first fondue. CHEESE OVERLOAD! The room absolutely reeked of cheese all night afterwards and I had to sleep in it. I had some damn peculiar dreams, I can tell you. I actually felt like I’d been swimming in molten cheese. I think I could feel Emmental oozing out of my pores.

4. At work I have moved floors again. I have moved between the two floors in our office more often than anyone else has even changed desks. Being a worker in the IT industry, I tend to accumulate crap (and some of it’s very heavy crap too), so each time this happens I have to transport junk that weighs the same as a DC-10 up and down the damn stairs. And guess what? The Moleman has also been moved and is still opposite me. How did my karma get this bad? I can only assume that in some previous life I ran over Gandhi’s dog or something.

5. During Mrs M’s recovery period we thought we’d finish off the back garden. We raked it, then watered it, then raked it, then scattered seed in quantities so vast the mind boggles, then raked it, then watered it. According to the packet, you should start to see grass shoots in around 12 days. It has been 11 today. Last night I checked on the place and all the garden contained were a few fairly impressive weeds and some slight evidence that a bird had been gorging itself until it was sick. So… Within the appropriate time-frame for new grass, we have achieved dandelions and crow-vomit. I am not hopeful that we will have a shimmering emerald lawn by the end of the week.

6. I have returned to work after a week and a half off to discover that the IQ of those who runs things actually seems to have dipped! I find this astounding since as far as I was concerned they could already have been outwitted by a fairly astute slug. On returning I found that we were really low on certain print toners and people were asking me in a panic about changing it. So I hurriedly ordered some only to be told that it had been ordered last week and delivered. Not only had no-one thought to tell me, but no one had even claimed or unwrapped the box when it arrived, let alone put the contents away where they should go. Also, I checked our backup (which is quite important in our business). I’d left the tapes with someone here to change while I was away. She promptly fell sick and never passed the job on. I can’t even find the tapes and can only assume she perhaps ate them and that is why she is ill? I’m just not even going into the work thing.

7. Stansted airport is the handiwork of the devil and all his little hordlings of hatred and mischief must also be responsible for the rail network in Eastern England. Honestly. I just wanted to kill people all the time I was there. Nothing is well organised, every sign is uninformative and often wildly incorrect, as are most of the staff I talked to. The rail line that goes there is slow and cumbersome and on my trip to the airport, the train was terminated randomly at Cambridge due to staff shortages, which almost made me late for my flight. I can’t understand how the train has to be stopped several stations short of its destination because of lack of staff? Surely the staff are already on the train, else how did we get that far? Jeez. And then on my return journey a few days later, the train had been stopped altogether and replaced with a coach whose driver appeared to be a cross between a Butlins red-coat and a mental patient. I resolutely refuse to fly from there ever again.

Think I’ll stop there for now. I’m weary. See you in the funny pages.



Written by SJAT

January 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm

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