Friday Funnies

Ok folks. It’s Friday. I’ve nothing amazing or informative to say and too much to do really, so I thought I’d just fling metaphorical custard pies your way. Time for some Friday fun.

 (last minute addition: I do have something funny. Today someone found my blog while searching for ”finaaly i drink my aunts milk” Sweet Jebus, what is the world coming to?)

I’ve had some funny crap sitting in my email for many months that I didn’t want to delete because some of it was just too funny. On the other hand, it’s clogging up my otherwise neatly ordered email (OCD, OCD,OCD) so I need to do something with it. So I’m passing it on to everyone else. Like a custard pie chain-letter I guess, which gives me my segue into the first funny:

Chain Letters:

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern…I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it’s one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s 8th husband’s 2nd cousin’s 3rd husband’s ex-wife’s mother’s beautician!

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 Things Got Ya Down? 

Well Then, Consider These:

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. 

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. 

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. 

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day???? 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was  blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

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Great truths

Great truths about life that little children have learned:
 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

Great truths about life that adults have learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank Coke made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day and we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms……. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

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A quote by Jay Leno:

‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’

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Bad Day:

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
 
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
 
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on atable or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
 
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
 
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested and then sanitized”.
 
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”
 
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS . . . . .

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Alcohol:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor, especially Bombay Sapphire Gin) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Drugs:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
  
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Jokes:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the
universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment.  “Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off  go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That’s not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it”

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 Religion:Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to MountCyanide to get the ten commandments

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Goldrn Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24 St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preacged Holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Funny and less so.

A quick post today. First some funny, in the form of the search terms on this site for the last week. Always makes me laugh how people find this site. And this week people were looking for:

funny pod people – well what other sort of ‘pod people’ are there? Frightening pod people? Dull and boring pod people? Serious and intellectual pod people? Surely the very name ‘pod people’ would make them funny by default?

dyslexic baboons – I’m really excited by this one. Partially because, to my knowledge I have never mentioned dyslexic baboons. And, of course, partially because… well! Dyslexic baboons?!?!?!

where did yorkists come from – If someone needs to ‘ask jeeves’ or to ‘google’ where yorkists come from then they may need psychiatric help. Where do New Yorkers come from? If you can answer this question, you can probably work out the answer to ‘yorkists’ all on your own.

polliedogs – I’ve noted before that people have found this blog looking for Poolie Dogs. I’m wondering whether a polliedog is a cross breed between a Poolie Dog and a Collie Dog? Kind of like a Labradoodle? Or a Saint Bernahuahua?

vitruvius for kids – Seriously? Vitruvius for kids? Have you read Vitruvius? A 1st Century BC Roman architect, engineer and writer, who laid down the basic architectural principles that we still use today? That wrote treatises on engineering in latin? For kids? We are not talking Vitruvius the Purple Dinosaur here?

naked man with multiple arms – The images that flit across my febrile brain when I see this phrase actually aren’t DaVinci’s Vitruvian Man, which is obviously what they were looking for (they might have been a bit disappointed to find me instead talking about poop or congenital madness alongside a picture of Homer Simpson.)

vitruvian man ass – I’m really hoping this is the whole search term they used. It’s possible that it was truncated and ‘ass’ was the start of another word. I choose to believe someone wanted to see the ass of the Vitruvian Man.

So there’s today’s funny.

The less funny is that I apparently have a slipped disc. That’s the cause of my walking like I’ve just got off a horse. It’s the reason for pains and discomfort and not being able to straighten my leg and things. Well it’s nice to know in a way that it’s something fairly common as spinal ailments go. I am moving into the realms of physio and don’t know what to expect. But the main thing is the list of things I’ve been given to watch for. Numbness, pins and needles, changes in movements (yes those ones) or bladder control, many other things too. Because any noticable change might mean what amounts to collapse of the vertebrae and possible paralysis and would become an instant emergency. Wooo! However, the other thing to look forward to is that I’m being sent to a Neurosurgical consultant who will discuss surgery with me. Essentially, physio will improve me, but only surgery will actually solve it. I say again wooo! I have never had surgery and was hoping to avoid it until I outlived Methuselah. Still, if it means when little mini-me is born I can hold him/her and play football with him/her then it’s worthwhile.

Oh, and the mini packet of ‘Love Hearts’ that wifey gave me to feel better told me, in this order:

Cool Dude … Sweet You … Wicked … Hug Me … My Doll … Ever Yours … Best Mate

They know me so well.

Javelina Scavengers

Ok folks. Here we go. The results of the Scavenger Hunt I set as decided (with great deliberation) by wifey. Oh and all photos are hyperlinked back to their pages of origin. Have fun:

1. Surprised wild animal. This offering from Poolagirl gained 5 points from wifey. And it sure does look surprised!

2. A Red Plant. Bluesleepy took this impressive specimin. REEEEED!

3. A pirate flag. Well there are so dang many good results, but this one from our Cocoabean leapt out immediately at wifey and took the prize:

4. Something fluffy. Only our Poolie could find a fluffy cactus!

5. My Senior Moments (Terri T) certainly produced the most unusually coloured food. Wow is all either of us could say.

6. Casa Rosie’s person waving is an instant hit. Who doesn’t love Mariachi?

7. Oh lord were there some good, original and unusual entries for three fruit together. But I guess it shows the general base level of British humour that we just couldn’t pass up on Cocobean’s offering:

8. There were some really good entries for something on fire, but this was particularly impressive. I think the flame itself looks like something from a James Bond opening sequence. Nice one Terri!

9. Clown trousers. Photographed by Rosie, modelled by Poolie! I think I know why wifey chose this. You see, I wear similar trousers and I call them my clown pants! Worryingly, I have also owned that hat, and it disappeared about a year ago. I wonder if it crossed the pond and wound up in SD?

10. Terri’s Bagel wins the bagel entry. Perhaps it was the artistic slicing. Or the juxtaposition of the modern technology of laptop with the ancient technology of bagel?

11. Someone dancing. Bluesleepy doing the clown shoe shuffle as immortalised by Poolagirl!

12. I don’t think anyone will argue that Terri’s sealions playing is a beauty. Aren’t they cute.

13. Terri also netted the figure of authority prize for this imposing fella! Who are LPSD anyway. Lounge Police San Diego?

14. We pretty much both agreed while roaring that bluesleepy absolutely ran away with the tacky statue. Must be tough, considering the size of it!

15. was hard fought. Garish colours? Good grief there were some garish colours. But Casa Rosie took 1st with this:

16. Bluesleepy’s princess must be the most unusual. It certainly hooked wifey anyway.

17. Bluesleepy also caught this magnificent pirate lass for someone asleep. Is it Anne Bonny do we think?

 18. At last… Yankee Chick walks away with one. Not coz of the quality of her photos I might add, but there being only a few. I think she was having too much fun to photo. A ‘thinking outside the box’ version of aircraft in flight, but wifey was very impressed with it, and I think so am I!

19. Cocoabean’s wool was, we felt, the most artistic. Wifey gave it top marks. And I’d have loved to see the original purple sheep. We only having boring black and white ones over here.

20. Last, but certainly far from least is a javelina. And this being a real, live porker having been caught in the act, absolutely ran away with that. This is the javelina that started the hunt and so deserves this win! I think I shall call her Sharice…

So by the list that wifey gave me and my own not considerable powers of calculation, I make that:

Yankee Chick with 1 win for 5pts  and 6 photos for 1pt each = 11pts

Zen and Chocolate (Cocoabean) with 3 wins for 15pts and 20 photos = 35pts

Poolagirl with 3 wins for 15pts and 20 photos = 35pts

Casa Rosie with 4 wins for 20pts and 17 photos = 37pts

Bluesleepy with 4 wins for 20pts and 20 photos = 40pts

My Senior Moments (Terri) with 5 wins for 25pts and 20 photos = 45pts

And so Terri… The winner and final champeeen!

There is a prize, and wifey and are will be organising it and working out winging it over to Terri in the next week or so. Intercontinental prizes take some working out!

Needless to say, I’ve bookmarked all these pages so I can pop over and have a giggle or a guffaw at any time, as there were just so damn many good photos. If you’ve just dropped by, I urge you to go visit these ladies and gawp with awe at their photos and their blogs!

Thanks guys. That was fun. Who knows… maybe next time I’ll take part and someone else can set one!

Back with normal mundane things tomorrow, like naked fat men, bald tires, gunge and sleeping sickness.

Ciao all.

Yorkists in Lancashire…

Well we’re almost there sorting out the Javelina Hunt photo comp so… results tomorrow. In the meantime, let me show you an average weekend in the Pennines. Warning: Photo-heavy entry.

We, as you are probably by now aware are Yorkshire folk, wifey and I. We are very Yorkshire. We are so Yorkshire we should probably come with a Government health warning. And so it often galls me to discover Lancastrians that I like. Note for non-historians: The Wars of the Roses between York and Lancaster were (and are) to our counties what the Civil War was/is to the Northern and Southern States. Oh we don’t kill one another any more. It’s mostly about cricket and pride now, but still I twitch as I cross the border. I seem to be getting carried away with drivel. Back to the point, eh?

After my MRI on Friday we headed off to Skipton (close to the Lancashire border) where I had booked us into an Inn for the night so we could have a relaxing night away without the dogs. It was the night before Halloween (or Samhain for those of us who recognise the Celtic contribution to festivals that got trodden all over by Christians who didn’t like men in dresses with beards.) While back in our village there would be a few decorations and pumpkins out, the landlord actually did nothing to draw attention to Halloween in his pub. Skipton was quite different. Every pub in the centre of Skipton had gone mad with decorating. Every shop had staff in pointy hats. It was really energetic and lively. Here’s a slightly blurred picture of me next to my nemesis in the bar. The photo is blurred because it had to be taken phenomenally quickly before I ran away.

Yup. Incy Wincy up there may be made of styrofoam and black fuzz, but I still peed a little any time I went near it. In the gentlemen’s convenience there, I found this, which I quite liked:

Ah, toilet poetry, how you make my heart soar! Then around the pubs to sample the delights. Until we reached (insert dramatic music here)… the Pub of the Damned! Honestly, we approached the tall, 3-floor brightly lit building. And it was empty. All the other town pubs were starting to fill up heavily, but not a soul here. Warning bells went unheard. And then a chubby, shuffling barman with a runny nose came ambling out of a hidden area of seating. I asked for a pint of beer and a soda for wifey. He looked at me in vague confusion, sniffed back his dripping nose and said “Got no beer, sorry.”

No beer. In a pub. No beer! Well it’s no damn wonder there’s no customers! So I ordered a whisky. We stayed in the place for 5 minutes while I drank the whisky and the barman returned to his booth to stare at the floor, sniff, sigh and make growling noises. We left hurriedly, as though a the plague might follow us.

We continued round the bars and sat in one particular one beneath the sign that declares the folk who have been barred from the the town’s pubs. I took this because the 3rd and 4th names from the bottom of the list made me guffaw and I like to guffaw.

Nutter and Outlaw are banned from the pub. Nutter and Outlaw! Oh how I chuckled. We had a good night out and planned to stay up and make the most of our quiet romantic night away. But in fact, we got back, clambered into bed and were asleep by 11pm, and hour and a half before the bar beneath us emptied! Ah well. The next morning, at breakfast, I noticed the boards around the restaurant area, and almost gagged on my coffee…

Don’t know about you, but I’ve never had anything Scumptious. In fact, it’s quite high on my list of priorities never to HAVE anything Scumptious. And…

… I’ve never encountered orange Boobees before either. Must be something to do with carotene I guess. ‘Carotene the boobees’. Oh far too many jokes. But who, honestly, working for an English-speaking company, in England, would decide to produce a day-glo luminous drink with a dubious top-pipe attachment and call them Boobees? Really?

On we move round Skipton and to the castle, owned for seven centuries by the Clifford family, a very famous and important bunch in the North, and particularly in Yorkshire. This is the gatehouse of the castle.

As well as the castle, Skipton is well known for its canal which, as you can see, even in dull weather at the end of October is pretty.

And so we left Skipton. We sould a do a little touring about during the day until around 4:30 when the sun sinks below the horizon, or in Lancashire slinks away hoping not to be noticed… Sorry. That just crept in at the last moment. First up is a Roman fort at Elslack, just a few miles from Skipton. I have been past the place a dizzying number of times. Honestly, I must be in three figures for the number of times I have passed within 2 miles of this. And… warning… this is yet another sign of my mania. You know how I will travel 40 miles over unsurfaced roads to look at a brick that was left in a field by a Roman mason in the 3rd century? Well Elslack is the ultimate in SJAT-mania. There is, in fact nothing there. There is nothing to see. Nada. Zilch. Nietski! And I still made wifey detour and walk along an abandoned railway line so that I could photograph it. So, without further ado, I present the Roman fort of Elslack in all its glory:

Now you can’t tell me that wasn’t exciting. Eh? What is exciting, even for the total non-Roman fan is the content of the field.

Coz we love cows, don’t we. Everyone loves cows. Big, brooding black cows with murder in their eyes. Wifey loves cows. Can you tell?

And from there we cross over into Lancashire, and indeed into Lancaster itself. And here, even the posh places were getting into the Halloween spirit. Unless these maybe were customers who couldn’t pay their bar tab.

Slightly more exciting than Elslack fort, though probably not to normal people, is the Wery Wall and the bath house. Visible here is one room with the piles for underfloor heating. It was so exciting for me I went all squeaky.

Above the baths on the crest of the hill (and within the boundaries of the ancient Roman fort) is the church which is all that remains of Lancaster Priory. There was a service going on while we were there so we crept around very quietly inside. I didn’t even take photos inside as I didn’t want to disturb them. And then, as we stood looking at a book on the rack of the bookshop (yes the church had a bookshop!) the store owner came over and started telling us all about this book and what it was about. In a VERY loud voice. We made our excuses as politely as we could and sidled out.

Next to the Priory is the imposing Lancaster Castle. Very little of this is open to the public as it is, and has been for the last two centuries, a courthouse and prison. I suppose if you’re going to be in prison, why not in one as impressive as this, eh?

On the way back to the car, we stopped in a pub for a beer and I had the foulest, most disgusting, unpleasant, odorous, nasty and evil pint I have ever tasted. I took one mouthful, slid my pint away from me and swigged some of wifey’s soda to take away the taste. From Lancaster we had choices and problems with touring.

We had one place to visit south of Lancaster and a couple north. And because of the River Lune and the Pennine hills, the only ways to travel north to south or vice versa are on the M6 motorway or through the congested streets of Lancaster. So we headed to the place out south. And found ourselves on the congested road heading north from the town. Arse. So after thirty minutes in a traffic jam we managed to turn round and head south past where we’d spent the last hour. Finally we got out and onto a road heading out toward Cockersand. And then from the road onto the tiny tarmacadam snake that wound along the low grassy area to the coast. We met nery a car on the journey along that narrow road, which is good since, though it said single file with passing places, it patently had only passing places if what was passing you was a duck. If it was a car, one of you was reversing for 2 miles. We know this because we met four cars on our way back.

Anyhoo. This is the view across the Lune towards Fleetwood from where we parked. Nice eh? 

A half mile walk from there along the coast brings you to what remains of Cockersands Abbey. The chapter house. Not a great or famous ruin, but just there and then, on the blustery west coast, in the sunshine, surrounded by murderous cows and a nervous wifey, it was lovely.

I’ll grant you that wifey looks bored. Actually she wasn’t. She was just relaxing and enjoying the view.

And the view was worth relaxing and enjoying too.

Next stop: Warton old rectory. North of Lancaster. Arse. So we decided, despite being warned to avoid it several hours earlier, we’d try the M6 northbound. And we breezed past Lancaster. We also breezed past the completely motionless three mile long queue of traffic heading southbound. Phew. That was lucky. And so we got to Warton and went to see the ruined medieval rectory. Here’s wifey looking like she’s Morris Dancing. Cool huh?

And here she is pretending I can’t see her…

And so the evening came on and we went to our friends’ costume and Halloween party. I hope none of them are offended by being shown in costume. Actually, one of them would rip my face off and use it to mop up my brains if i posted a photo of her, and so I have wisely left our one character. Here are the others:

Cowgirl and a slightly slipped spook.

Wifey doing 25 to life.

Yours truly after carving the dinner.

Nanny Ogg showing some leg.

Gandalf the Grey eats party snacks.

Herr Skeletor surverys his domain.

And Eldritch lady?

This man frightened a young girl enough that she shrieked and fell over. Fabulous.

The chuckle twins.

Don’t they look dead tired…

Feathers, feathers everywhere…

And that was the party. Tomorrow: The Scavenger Hunt results. See y’all…

Magnetic Resonance Imaginings

I have posts backed up the wazoo. And that’s uncomfortable, I can tell you!

No, semi-seriously, I need to post about the Scavenger Hunt on the Great Javelina Hunt of 2009. And I shall be doing in the next couple of days now that I’ve seen the photos. You see, I need wifey to choose the best for the winning categories. She’s already got some real favourites, I can tell you. But hopefully tonight we’ll get them sorted. Hey any hunters… how do you feel about me massively infringing your copyright (I have the fringe ready) and copying the winning photos from you all to post in one place on here? Go on… green light it…

And of course I need to tell you all the juicy (and sometimes rib-tickling) details of our night away in Skipton and the Halloween party over in Lancashire. But that’s partially reliant on me uploading my photos and I’ve only got as far as moving them from camera to PC yet. So that’s pending too. But in the meantime, allow me to tell you about my friday afternoon.

I finished work and biked home in time to pile into the car with wifey and head to Harrogate for my MRI scan. Harrogate for those of you who don’t know of it is a large-ish Yorkshire town. It was basically two tiny villages until the Victorians discovered it had spa waters and built a bath complex and some spa wells around it. I expect the locals already knew they had water and were perhaps a little put out when ten minutes later they had a huge entertainment complex, hotels and a lot of arrogant men in top hats telling them what they should do with their water. And it exploded into a plethora of Victorian magnificence. I’m aware that’s a strange usage of the word plethora, but it’s a lovely word and I defend my desire to use it. And then the place got a bit big and grimy, but still quite nice. It’s also the place Agatha Christie turned up after she disappeared. It has a hospital. And possibly kidnappy-aliens.

I was mildly disappointed to find that the car parking fee for a couple of hours cost about the same as a transatlantic flight. I’m ok with hospitals charging parking fees to visitors. They have to help fund our underfunded health service somehow. After all, they only take a quarter of the country’s wage! Grrr. I digress. I can see the parking fees, yes, and I’m ok with that. Even at their somewhat extortionate prices. But when you’re a patient going into that hospital for some kind of test/ operation/ procedure, I really think they could waive the fee and not charge you for the privilege? So I shovelled a small nation’s GNP into the machine and we went in.

Navigating the labyrinth of hospitals without bumping into a Minotaur or David Bowie with big hair and trousers so tight you can tell what religion he is. Love that navigating hospitals. Which three-letter-code am I looking for again? What thing that sounds like an insertive procedure? But eventually, find it we did. I went in and handed over my forms and sat nervously with wifey waiting my turn. I’d removed everything metal from my person, including my lucky Transformer. It was all out and I was even wearing sweat suit trousers to avoid zips and buttons. And then I was told that it still had eyelets for the drawstring! So in my little curtained alcove I de-panted and suited up in the very fetching ’sick-snot-green’ flannelette things they gave me. I looked like a colour-blind nonagenarian jogger. Stylish! They went so well with my crimson T-shirt, I can tell you. And then… humbled, I was led into the room.

And there was the machine. Like a giant plastic middle from a toilet roll. And the bed was lowered and ready. As I lay on it, I noted there was an indentation for the head. Nice. Reminded me soooo much of these:

Nice, eh? Damn my historical leanings. But then the nice and fluffy nurse in there asked me if I was going to be comfy lying for 15 minutes on my back with my legs straight.   I said yes.   Was I sure?   Yes I was.   Because it can feel like a long time?   I’m fine thanks.   Just try the cushion behind the knees.   I’m FINE thanks!    Just try it.

Well what can you do. I always did respond to peer pressure. I gave up and nodded. And she produced a foam triangle about the size of a suitcase but the shape of a toblerone and jammed it behind my knees. I was now less comfortable than a sick hippopotamus ina  submarine. But damn me and I don’t know why, I smiled and nodded!

….

Oh, by the way, I probably ought to mention what all this was about. About a year and a quarter ago, I got out of bed one morning and something had gone ’sproing’ in my body. Some coil had bust or something, and my right leg wouldn’t straighten properly, bend in certain ways or even hold my weight in some positions. I went to see the doc, fairly sure it was some sort of sciatic problem. He gave me painkillers (mmmm), anti-inflamatories, and some exercises.

And I did kind of get better. It was slow and gradual. Oh, and it didn’t stop me going about my normal business. I just went about it looking like I’d just ridden a horse or had a trouser-based accident. Or possibly had a trouser-based accident on a horse. Thing is, it never truly got better. Just became less intense and less noticeable. And I kind of got lazy and used to it, even when I came off my bike half a year ago and pretty much set myself back many months of healing. But since we discovered there’s a small me or wifey on the way, I’ve determined I will need to be able to run and jump and catch and kick with him/her (allowing for my not inconsiderable bulk anyway.)

So I went back to the doc, with wifey for moral support. And we got a locum doctor I’ve not seen before. But he’s the one who pretty much saved my dad’s life by recognising instantly his collapsed lung and packing him off to hopsital when many actual hospital docs pretty much said “you’ll get better, now go home”. And he’s no-nonsense and straight-talker. He bent me around a bit and said. Might be the leg. Might be the back. Can’t do anything til we know what it is. In the meantime sell the motorbike, you prat, and I’m sending you for an MRI.

So there we go. You’re caught up. Of course, being an ex-heavy smoker and a lover of rich food and probably far too heavily into my whisky to be good for me, I’m pretty tense about what else they might find while they’re looking at my lower back. So, back to the story.

….

So they put some kind of shower-cap on me, completing my very ’special’ outfit. If I could have got a banjo it might have been better, I suppose, but a photo of this really WOULD have cracked you up. And they put headphones over my ears so if they needed to tell me anything I could hear over the noisy scanner. And they gave me a panic button to press. And then slowly the bed slid into the tube. I had been warned to lie completely still or they might have to start all over again.

So there I was, dressed like a moron, with my legs bent over a giant foam toblerone, in a shower cap with giant heaphones and a button attached to a long, thick plastic cord, slid into a tube like a giant sausage roll. And because I’m a reasonably bulky fella and the tube is quite narrow, I had to jam my arms by my sides. But one hand had a button that I was trying not to press as it would halt around £700 worth of medical process and mean it had to start again. And the cord to the button snagged a little on the way in and pulled my arm vertical from the elbow. And then the scan started and I was lying in my uncomfortable leg position with my left arm plastered to my left side, but my right arm holding a button and heavy cable aloft! Without moving. For 15 minutes! It was more than a little uncomfortable, I can tell you.

And once a buttock starts to itch, you just know there’s no way that’s going away. And then the sole of my right foot joined in. And then that tiny space between the shoulder blades. I was sweating with the effort of not moving and almost crying, and all the tendons were standing out on my right arm with the strain of holding the cable up. And now thirty sadists were apparently tickling me with ostritch feathers.

And the noise! Well they warned me it was going to be loud. And it was, but bearably loud for me. I listen to heavy rock, fellas. Some ‘whumping’ ain’t going to frighten me. But the problem was it had a beat. And kept changing rhythm while maitaining the same beat. It sounded like the best of Ministry Of Sound Ibiza Anthems featuring Tall Paul. I don’t know whether all those words make sense in that order. As I said, I’m a rocker, but I do know what clubbin’ music sounds like and I hear cryptic phrases. I found myself humming tunes to the beat. Crazy.

And then it was over. I was yanked out, sent on my way with my trousers and told my results will be with my doc in 2 weeks. And I was free! To celebrate, we went to Morrisons supermarket and I bought a couple of DVDs. As I reached the counter, I realised that I was walking with the most horrendous limp, my right arm was hanging pretty limp, still strained from 15 mins of holding it straight up, and in my left hand I was carrying “The Birdcage” and “Priscilla Queen of the Desert”. I must have looked like the Oldest Swinger in Town. I must have looked like Igor the Assistant after gender reassignment surgery. I was camper than a field full of boy scouts! Ah well. You can’t win ‘em all, ducky!

More of Friday night next entry…

Ciao folks.

Revenge of the Pod People

Not sure why I called this post Revenge of the Pod People. I just like it. It has a ring to it. I suddenly wondered what ‘Pod People’ looked like. I thought maybe Belgian but with a pale green tint and a head shaped like Stewie from Family Guy? So I thought I’d look up an image and add it. And almost laughed myself sick when these two pictures both appeared on the first page of results:

I think perhaps they’ve both seen Amy Winehouse naked? Actually, Amy Winehouse clothed has that effect on me! Anyway. What was the point of all this? Ah yes. To post! So the results of the scavenger hunt I set are starting to appear. As I noted yesterday, Zen and Chocolate had posted her photos. Two more have added to the mix. So we’re waiting with bated (baited?) breath (urgh… baited breath sounds like something I soooo don’t want to wait with) for MySeniorMoments, YankeeChick and CasaRosie. In the meantime, before the results come out, if you want to browse the entries:

Try those of Zenandchocolate or of Poolagirl or resident camera queen Bluesleepy

It’s all to play for. They’re all good.

Last night I rode home on my 6.5 mile motorbike journey from work. It was dark. The road was wet. There was such thick fog I lost sight of my knees at times. I rode so slowly that I actually got to speed up when I reached a built up area, since I could see better!

Ok. Here goes.

On friday I am going for an MRI scan to try and sort out the regular, recurring, almost constant bad back/leg combination that I have believed was sciatica. The doc wondered whether it could even be a slipped disc. Now I know that this is just a magnetic image of my T-800 titanium endo-skeleton to check for coolant leaks, but it has me twitchy. Hell, I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy recently. And in that, anyone who goes into the hospital complaining that a pimple on their buttock burst gets an MRI scan and turns out to have Flesh-Eating-Death-Beetle-Plague-Bone-Brain-Wasting Disease. Yes, I’m suggestable. And indeed suggestive as wifey will tell you!

So after that lovely experience we’re heading out to stay somewhere overnight while the dogs are boarded in kennels. Won’t tell you where as I’m keeping that a secret from wifey. And then we’re at a friend’s party in Lancashire. Yes… Lancashire. I shall have to grit my teeth and set my rictus grin and cross that invisible but important line. Thank heavens my passport’s still valid. Lancashire!

But the people we’re going to see are fabboooo! It’s on Halloween and it’s a costume party. I’m going in a boiler suit covered in fake entrails with a machete and hockey mask. Can you guess who I’m going as? That’s right: Julian Clary. And wifey also has a boiler suit. Hers is orange, with a number stamped on the chest. She also has handcuffs and boots and fake tattoos. She’s going to leave her hair real wild that day, and I’m training her to mimic the Charles Manson eyes.

Heh heh heh.

Ah well. Morning has broken (clunk!) and it’s time for work.

Ciao bella…

Just a quick note to say WTF?

Ok. As for the Scavenger Hunt I set last week for the Javelina Hunters, here is the first set of results:

http://zenandchocolate.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/scavenger-hunt/

Yup. Zenandchocolate got all 20 photos! Once the others are all up I shall ask wifey to vote for the best of each and I’ll post a grand results page.

In the meantime, here’s my latest list of search engine terms. People have come across this blog while searching for:

• how long can i leave wet dog food out before
• vitruvian ear
• leonardo naked guy in circle
• benjamin jones goes swimming
• homer simpson ass wallpaper
• subnormal second language acquisition
• leonardo da vinci life preserver
• homer simpson naked
• da vinci’s asshole
• naked man full beard africa tribe -porn
• vitruvian ear architecture
• toilet seat bolt tighten

I don’t know about you, but one or two of those frighten me. Who ARE these people? And there does seem to be a bit of an obsession going on with a nude Homer Simpson. I skipped adding half a dozen naked homer searches. The fourth from last particularlt worries me. If you’re reading this and it was you who searched for that, please do drop me an explanatory comment. I’d be real pleased to know. Or would I?

Ah well. Work beckons. Enjoy, everyone. Merry Tuesday.

N.B. Had to add a last minute afternoon addition when I discovered someone came across this in the last few hours while searching for “horse fart”. Bet he felt a bit embarrassed when he read this! Heya “horse fart” fella? Leave me a note. I really AM interested…

Weekend

What did we do at the weekend you ask? Why didn’t I update? Very simply we had guests. On Saturday we took them round York in the rain. On Sunday we took them around Richmond and Easby. In the rain. In between, we huddled in the house and listened to the rain. Occasionally we hurried out to the car or for firewood. In the rain. Hmm, a theme…

But on Sunday I thought “Ah screw it” and took the camera out with me anyway, despite the fact that it would take an owl to see where they were going at times and we really should have taken a dinghy just in case. We stopped in a pub in Richmond that has made my top ten strangest pub experiences. Half of the place was decorated like a pub. The other house was a cross between ‘Little-old-lady cafe’ and someone’s front room. The two guys who ran it (both only in their early 20s at most) seemed a little short of the old IQ power. One was obviously trying to point out that he was the food man, as he had a tea towel draped over his arm that he kept dropping. The other (bar)man arranged our drinks and snacks. I ordered a pint of beer. Fine. And D-man’s cider? Well the cider was off, but ‘we do have bottled’. Ok, D-man will have a bottle of cider. ‘Well, it’s perry really’. Ok, so D-man will have a Perry. Wifey gets her soda and G-Girl orders a Diet Coke. The guy shuffles to the end of the bar and turns his back on us, hunched over doing something. Then he turns back with a Guinness glass with the flattest coke ever seen in the Western world, while he puts away the 2ltr bottle. And I ask for crisps (chips for you Americans) and he produces one packed of Ready Salted. They’re the only ones he’s got. And when I get back to the table it turns out the crisps are from L*dl. For you Americans again, L*dl is where the vagrants and bag ladies would shop if they ran out of dumpsters. And while we drank and chatted, the two odd guys argued over the tv station and wrestled for the remote control. All in all a peculiar place. So to conclude, here’s a few photos of the weekend:

This is the Premonstratensian abbey of St Agatha at Easby. The destination of our several mile walk out from Richmond centre. It’s an abbey with a very unusual plan and this photo was taken at the driest and warmest and brightest moment in the day. 

I believe this gives you an idea of the weather. This is the usually calm, glassy and pleasant River Swale.

But the one really good thing about this time of year is the colours:

Here are wifey, D-man and G-Girl bumming around the abbey. Note the position of wifey’s arms (on the left.) This is a common position for the arms when holding the leashes for both of our dogs. They are busy walking around her in opposite direction in a double-helix fashion, mummifying her slowly with red leads.

And I saw a car sticker that made me chuckle in the town.

But the highlight of the day, and my last offering for you, was the marzipan piggie that wifey bought me from the little confectionary shop. Just how cool is this?

Ciao folks and have a good one.

Tongue Tied

Today I have used the following words and phrases with impunity and am happy to have done so:

“You’re barking up the wrong stick.”

“I got the wrong end of the tree.”

and instead of “Imported and converted” I achieved “Inverted and Comported”

It has been a bad day for work but a damn good day for language!

Thoughts on a Thursday

1. Why does my Chicken and Vegetable soup smell like a public urinal. Seriously. I’m considering not drinking it.

2. The sort of person who rings a business on a business call should not start with ‘Ummm’ and then a long pause. This does not make you sound professional.

3. Why does a new loaf of bread smell and taste fresh and fabulous for around 11 minutes before it takes on all the taste and flexibility of an old sofa cushion.

4. Wireless mice and keyboards are more trouble than they’re worth. I could have bought 10 sets with the batteries this one has used up. And I rarely want to sit 25 ft away from my monitor. My eyesight’s not that good.

5. At what age do you stop calling it an operation and start calling it a procedure.

6. Every year I earn slightly more than I ever have done before. Yet every year I have less money and am slightly further in debt. I’ve used about 5 pencils up trying to work out the maths of this.

7. You know your mobile phone battery is on absolutely its last leg when it tells you its charge is complete in 8 minutes. I don’t believe it.

8. Nothing in the world says “I am a big penis” more than a personalised license plate. Sorry if you have one, but it’s true.

9. If I had the money I would spend a lot of my life travelling. And I would need a server on which to store my photos!

10. The funniest thing that can ever happen, anywhere, is a person falling off their chair.